Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #2151
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts DWise's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    26 things that the movies have taught us...

    1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

    2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

    3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

    4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

    5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

    7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

    8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

    9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

    10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

    11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

    12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

    14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

    15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

    16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

    17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

    19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

    20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."

    21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

    22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

    25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
    Do for one what you wished you could do for everyone. - Andy Stanley

  2. #2152
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    While we're on the movie subject here's one or two more...
    Make that 50 things that the movies have taught us.

    27. There is always a clap of thunder before a miraculous sudden shower of rain,
    and you never see the lightning only a distant blue glow.

    28. Wind an rain drops only move the trees in the foreground not in the background.

    29. You can get 15 gun shots out of a six shot magazine, before reloading with an another instantly appearing full magazine.

    30. Law enforcement and soldiers appear to manifest infinite ammunitions,rockets, granades out of thin air,
    pior to being ambushed in a drawn out gun battle.

    31. Archery bows ,quivers have unlimited arrows and flight distance.

    32. Every car chase includes one dynamically impossible car "launched through the air in a barrel roll explosion" after a headon collision with another vehicle.

    33. Every vehicle hit by the heros rockets or gun fire explodes into peices, but when the Hero's vehicle is hit, it just rolls over an allows him to escape.

    34. Real blood is not the colour red on a movie screen.

    35. Getting jabbed in the neck with a syringe takes no real time and is an instant KO or death to all enemies.

    36. The hero always takes longer to die from toxic poisioning and has a miracle antidote nil effect recovery when required.

    37. Ambushing the enemy with a blunt object to the head knocks them out with a single hit, but the hero takes multiple blows to the head before conceding.

    38. Exercising kung-fu style pressure points on an enemy knocks out the enemy instantly without a struggle.

    39. All roadbikes,dirtbikes all sound the same with an unlimited number of gears while being persude.

    40. No pedestrians are runover,killed or blood spatter on the street during street curb-to-curb car chases.

    41. There is always a full grocery display,firehydrant or shopping trolley in the path of a street car chase.

    42. You'll hardly ever see the real moon size or shape in a movie, it's nearly always a scaled prop.

    43. Fire instantly engulfs an entire building or scene except where the hero is laying.

    44. Lighting one single candle in a dark movie scene can light up a ball park stadium ready for a game.

    45. Thousand year old dark dungeons and underground passage-ways always have a wall mounted flame torch pre-fueled
    ,an when light miraculously bursts into flames and steadlily burns unfueled for hours.

    46. You'll always see a massive load of cobb webs in a movie scene but rarely any spiders.

    47. Throwing knives and sharps "always hit the enemy blade first " with an instant body drop kill shot. While the hero survives multiple wounds.

    48. The hero performs a single burst kill shot off-the-hip while running , while multiple enemy standing out in the open taking steady aim always miss.

    49. One light match or hero's bullet in a desiel fuel store or munitions dump can miraculously explode the entire movie scene in an instant.

    50. There is nearly always a love scene in every action movie. You paid good money for an action movie, not a lipstick smudger.
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  3. #2153
    Geek Extraordinaire 2,500+ Posts KenB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    51. Tires always squeal at high speed, even on dirt.
    “I think you should treat good friends like a fine wine. That’s why I keep mine locked up in the basement.” - Tim Hawkins

  4. #2154
    Senior Tech 250+ Posts Phrag's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    52. Call out "Hello?" when you hear strange noises in the middle of the night, hoping to get an answer back.

  5. #2155
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Phrag View Post
    52. Call out "Hello?" when you hear strange noises in the middle of the night, hoping to get an answer back.
    Oscar heard 4 loud bangs then a thud.... Good enough reply for him....
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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    Legendary Frost Spec Tech 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by KenB View Post
    51. Tires always squeal at high speed, even on dirt.
    Conversely, tires always squeal at low speed on anything except dirt. People in movies must drive with terrible tires...
    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  7. #2157
    Legendary Frost Spec Tech 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been getting more perverse, but it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom...
    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  8. #2158
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    That would be "statutory rape"..LOL Emujo
    If you don't see your question answered in the forum, please don't think it's OK to PM me for a personal reply...I do not give out firmware and/or manuals.

  9. #2159
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    "The Serenity Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .

  10. #2160
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    "The Serenity Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .

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