Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

A Sheriff catches a rapist and has to put him in lock up. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

[fixthecopier]

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair "down there. "
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the entire dart team hadn't!"

[fixthecopier]

Two hunters are in the woods. One of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[fixthecopier]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into 2 priest.He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

[Akitu]

A frenchman, a Brit and a New Yorker go on a safari. Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.
"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."
"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"
"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we're not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you'd like."
The Frenchman steps forward first. "I will take a sword, s'il vous plaît."
The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts "Vive la France!" then runs himself through with the sword.
Next the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a pistol, chaps."
The cannibals hand him a pistol. "God save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.
Finally the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork."
The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so.
The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!"
The New Yorker bellows,
"SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!"

[Akitu]

My wife just texted me "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyougivemeanalte rnative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?





Ninja edit: I'm not sure if the space in the long word is present for anyone else or just myself, but there is not supposed to be a space in that word at all as I typed it up without one, and it shows in the editor as not having any spaces.

[NeoMatrix]

My wife just texted me "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyougivemeanalte rnative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean ?

Message her back and ask "does 'ternative' mean many times....?"


................................
FYI... Same space character fault in my editor.

[slimslob]

[Akitu]

I tried to force feed my child the other day. After a while, my wife said "Just use a fucking spoon, you're not a jedi."

[slimslob]

A Priest's Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited....
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.”
The very first person who entered my confessional told me:
"He had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents. Embezzled from his employer. Had an affair with his boss’s wife. Taken illegal drugs. Was arrested several times for public nudity"
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late