Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday".

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive...

[fixthecopier]

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

[fixthecopier]

There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose. Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their red 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire. When they were finally finished, the billionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $100,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!"

[slimslob]

[NeoMatrix]

A business man is on an over night train trip with his secretary.
They both retire for the night to their respective rooms.
A short while later the secretary comes in to the mans room and
say "Excuse me Mr Johnson could you plase pass me a blanket?"
Mr Johnson asks "would you like to be Mrs Johnson for the night? "
The secretary thinks for a moment the says,"That would be nice!"
Mr Johnson rolls over and say's "good get your own bloody blanket."

[NeoMatrix]

A newly wed couple move into a new house
and the wife notices a mirror hanging on the wall.
She goes up to it and says
"Mirror Mirror on the wall,
what part of my body suites
my husband most of all?"
The mirror suddenly reply's "your tits."

She then say "Mirror Mirror on the wall
give me a size fourty four...
Bam! she gets really big tits.
Excitedly she runs down stairs to show
her husband, who is amazed to see her new look.

The husband then rushes upstairs
to the mirror and says
"Mirror Mirror on the wall
what part of my body suites
my wife most of all? "
The mirror replys "your dick."

Amazed, the mans says
"Mirror Mirror on the wall
make my dick touch the floor."
Bam! his legs fall off....

[NeoMatrix]

One more I'm getting RSI .....
--------------------------------
A married couple are in a serious accident and the wifes face is severly burned.
The doctor tells the husband that they cannot graft skin from her body
because she is so skinny. So the husband decides to donate his own skin
for the operarion. However, the doctor finds the only suitable place to
take skin is from the mans buttocks. The husband requests that no one
know of this as it is a very sensitive matter.

After surgery is complete every one is amazed at the woman new face.
All her freinds, family and relatives all rant and rave about her new looks.

One day she is alone with her husband and say, "Dear I just want
to thank you for all that you've done for me,I don't know how to
repay you.
The man replies "Oh! don't worry Honey!, I get enough thanks
every time your mother kisses you on the cheek..."

[fixthecopier]

[Akitu]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

[Debs1964]

I really wish this was a joke, but I'm still waiting...

perfect man.jpg