Joke of the Day

[Lagonda]

My copier keeps making this funny purring noise..........

[Lagonda]

Allah & The 72 Virgins A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?

[nmfaxman]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Akitu]

I had a friend ask if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.

[slimslob]

[Akitu]

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[nmfaxman]

True Story:

Sitting in the bar with a friend and her mom.
My friend told me a story about a nasty rooster her Grandmother had that used to chase her around the back yard.
One day her grandmother grabbed the rooster by the neck and just snapped it like a whip.

I blurted out, "I guess your grandmother knew how to swing a mean cock."

Her mom laughed so hard she had to go to the bathroom to pee.

[NeoMatrix]

The Y-Factor: whats leftover from the X-Factor auditions .

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the bagpipes ,but doesn't...

Whats the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.

X-Factor: mate --did you hear my last recitial?
Friend : I certainly hope so.

Muso: Do you love music?
Friend: Yes, but you just go ahead and play anyway.

Violinist says to his wife, 'Oh baby!, can I play you like a violin.'
Yeah, but I'd much rather you played me like a harmonica...

[Akitu]

Neo, your post reminded me of this one.

What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless!

[fixthecopier]

Little Jonny was in class learning about Custer's last stand. The teacher asked all the kids to draw a picture of what they thought was going through the mind of General Custer. Little Jonny drew a cow witha halo over it's head and a bunch of Indians having sex. "Um... Jonny, what is this?" The teacher asked. Little Jonny responded, "It's what General Custer was thinking, Ms. Johnson... 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians. "