Joke of the Day

**Lagonda** · 11-01-2014

Originally Posted by NeoMatrix

At our age I was going to write KFC but lagonda would have ripped strips off me....

My granddaughter pointed out this morning that KFC stands for Kids Fattening Centre, I think that says it all.

**NeoMatrix** · 11-02-2014

A small business owner has two employees Jack and Jill.
Business has been going real bad and he needs to lay one of them off.
He decide the first one to leave for lunch will be layed off.
Both employees eat their lunch at their desk doing work.
He then decides the first employee to leave for home he will put off.
Both employees leave to go home at exactly the same time.

Getting frustrated toward the end of the day he decides to choose Jill.
The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in, and
says ,'Jill I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off,
what do you think? '
Jill says 'oh! it'd be quicker if you Jack off I'm
already late for an appointment.'

**fixthecopier** · 11-02-2014

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor. After the husband's check-up, the Dr. ask's the woman if he can have a word with her in his office.
"Certainly Dr. anything for my husband", the woman replies.
The Dr. says, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare and severe disorder, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will die".
"Each morning you must fix him a healthy hearty breakfast. You must be pleasant and make sure he is in good humor. For lunch make him a nutricious meal and for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with any chores, as he is probably had a hard day. Don't discuss any of your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse." The Dr. continues to say, "Do all of these things and he should continue to live a happy healthy life for 15 to 20 yrs".
The wife takes all this into consideration and exits the Dr. office.
On the drive home, the husband asked the wife, "What did the doctor have to say to you ?"
She replies, "He said you're going to die."

**fixthecopier** · 11-02-2014

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice."

**fixthecopier** · 11-05-2014

There are two sisters... one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly.....

**fixthecopier** · 11-05-2014

Sir Isaac Newton goes into a pub.There, he sees his good friend Rene DesCartes wallowing in self pity, crying over a whiskey.

"My dear friend," Newton says, "whatever is the matter?"
"Ah, Isaac, tis terrible! My wife has been cheating on me!" DesCartes bemoans, "We are separating and I fear I shall never love again!"
"Nonsense!" says Newton, "Join me and we shall go have a romp at the brothel! Surely some woman of ill repute will catch your fancy!"
DesCartes considers, but returns to his drink; "Sorry my dear friend, but I cannot find the passion within me. Will you stay here and keep me company?"
Newton sighs, knowing that his night is ruined, but knowing his friend is in need. "Of course I shall stay my friend; sometimes you need to put DesCartes before the whores."

**fixthecopier** · 11-05-2014

A cop knocked on my door today. He said, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

**emujo** · 11-05-2014

Originally Posted by fixthecopier

A cop knocked on my door today. He said, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

On par with " I once shot an elephant in my Grandfather's pajamas"..".What was the elephant doing in your Grandfather's pajamas?" or...
A salesman comes up to the front door with a boy and a dog sitting on the porch. Salesman says "does your dog bite?" to which the boy says "no". Salesman reaches out to pet the dog and immediately, gets a nasty bite on the hand. Salesman says "you said your dog doesn't bite", and the boy replies, "that's not my dog". Any more??? Emujo

**Akitu** · 11-05-2014

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit".

**Debs1964** · 11-05-2014

Originally Posted by Akitu

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit".

I find that really offensive to those of us who are aesthetically challenged (and single)