Joke of the Day

[Iowatech]

Unhappiness was unavoidable.

[fixthecopier]

When I found out that my wife had 50,000 bees, I knew she was a keeper.


I knew a man who became addicted to Viagra. His wife took it really hard.


My friend got fired from the clock factory for putting in a lot of extra hours.

[fixthecopier]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot said "No problem my wife is blonde I can handle this"
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the first class wasn't going to New York. "

[fixthecopier]

A guy is getting ready for prom and is trying to get up the nerve to ask the cutest girl in school to the dance. After a day or so he finally musters up the courage and asks her and she says yes! He's bouncing with excitement and starts planning to get ready for prom in a few weeks.
Later that week he goes by the local florist to get a boutonniere for himself and some flowers for her. He gets to the shop and there's a line out the door of guys all getting flowers as well. After waiting in line for a few hours, he gets the order placed and goes home.
The next day he goes out to rent a tuxedo. Driving up to the shop, he sees another line out the door, all guys getting ready for prom as well. He patiently waits his turn and after a few hours gets fitted for a tux and goes on his way home.
Lastly, he realizes he needs to rent a limousine to take his date to prom in style. But of course, when he gets to the rental company, there's another line of men trying to rent cars for prom night. The guy waits in line and gets one of the last limos.
So prom night comes, he picks up his date in the limo he rented, gives her the flowers he bought, and they take pictures. They go to prom and have a great time. Halfway through the night, his date tells him that she's thirsty and would like something to drink. So the guy walks over to the refreshments table and there's no punch line.

[fixthecopier]

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[gallagher]

Not a 'Joke', per se,
but being a "newbie", I was reminded of 'Jokes' that happened in my first 'technical' job.
The Army.
Heliocopter Mechanic.
After six months of training, I showed up at my Duty Station,
.........and was promptly sent from hanger to hanger requesting a "Metric Adjustible Wrench"(!).
{my buddy was sent searching for a "Left Handed Phillips #2 Screwdriver,..!}

Two weeks later, we together spent a whole Friday afternoon going from hanger to hanger
requesting "... 12 yards of Flightline".....

The killer, was in the third week.
Under the pilot's seat of most Heliocopters is a rubber hose, with a funnel on the end,
that can be pulled out.
hmmm?
Asking what it was,.. I was told, "Emergency Interphone System",..
and ".. it was due to be checked".
In the rear of the Heliocopter, I was showed a second one.
I was instructed to go to the front, hold the funnel to my mouth,.
...and talk thru it until things could be 'controlled'.
Obedient solder....
Folks had a hard time walking by the front of the Heliocopter,
seeing me,..
talking thru the 'Emergency Interphone',
without cracking up.
[You know, Pilots while flying, can't just set the bird down,..
when say,..
they have to pinkel,..
having a hose,..
with a funnel....
comes in pretty handy.]

yeah,..
they DIDN'T fool me with the "Light Bulb Repair Kit"(!), though!
smiles,
gallagher

[Lagonda]

After six months of training, I showed up at my Duty Station,
.........and was promptly sent from hanger to hanger requesting a "Metric Adjustible Wrench"(!).
{my buddy was sent searching for a "Left Handed Phillips #2 Screwdriver,..!}

When I started in the photocopier game the guys doing the training started to talk about non-fluid oil and liquid grease. "Come on guys" I said "I'm not a 16 year old apprentice, stop trying to jerk my chain!" I was rather dumb founded when I discovered there was such a thing as non-fluid oil and liquid grease!

[KenB]

In high school, two friends of mine worked in the maintenance department of the local well-known, well-stocked department store.

They once sent a co-worker on an hour long adventure all over the store searching for "sky hooks". He fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

[KenB]

Of course, every engine rebuild consists of:

1. Replacing the muffler bearing

2. A new coat of valve wax

3. New piston return springs

All are a must!

[blsquires]

it was getting close to christmas eve and santa was working very hard getting the elves to make all the toys,then wrapping them and packing them in the sacks and arranging them in delivery order.
he was worn out, then he heard a rap on the door .just what he needed another interruption.he opened the door and there was a fairy standing there ,she said i know you are busy santa but i have brought you a lovely lovely present .
what is it he said grumpily .she said its a lovely christmas tree.santa said you can take your christmas tree and shove it up your arse.

thats where the custom of putting a fairy at the top of the tree comes from.