Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Two men are drinking in a bar.
One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that will be us."

His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."

[fixthecopier]

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.'
His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know me.' 'Fine,' says his boss, and he's determined to have Bob be embarressed, so he decides to put the bar high: 'President Obama.' 'Cool, no problem,' says Bob.
A week later they're both standing outside the White House, and Obama comes out, spots Bob and goes "Bob? What are you doing here? Come in, bring your friend, lets have a drink together." Bobs boss has no clue how, but somehow Bob and the president are friends. Once they leave his boss goes 'Fine, you know the president, but I bet you dont know the pope'.
Bob accepts the challenge, and the next week they're standing in Saint Peters square. 'This isnt gonna work, he's never going to see me here when theres this much people. You stay here, I'll go talk to him and you'll see me on the balcony, the guards know me too.' Half an hour later, Bob and the pope appear side by side on the balcony. Bobs boss gets a heart attack, and Bob goes to visit him in the hospital.
'What happened? Did you not expect me to actually know the pope?' 'No, it wasnt that, I sortof expected that to happen. But there was a tourist next to me that asked 'Who's the guy in his pyjamas standing next to Bob there?'.

[fixthecopier]

Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.
1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!
2nd blonde: No, stupid, they're wolf tracks!
3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!
Then they got hit by a train.

[fixthecopier]

I was going to tell a joke about unemployment, but it wasn't going to work.

[Tata]

Wouldn't that be a cake job... a comedian who only tours retirement homes...

"It's like deja vu all over again"

[fixthecopier]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

[fixthecopier]

Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats...ready for this, it's buoyant!

[allan]

This guy is sitting in a bar with two glasses. As the barman watch him he takes a sip of the one and then throws the a bit of the other one over his hand. After 2 rounds of this the barman had to ask why he is was doing that so the man replied "dont worry i am just making by date drunk".

[mohan]

A Schizoid Jehovahs witness knocks on a door, the door opens, and the house-holder says: ''Go away, BOTH of you!''

[fixthecopier]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."