Joke of the Day

[gwaddle]

Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats...ready for this, it's buoyant!

I'm afraid I must give this one a groan.

[wharf_rat]

What did the termite say when he joined his friends for a drink? Where's the bartender? Get it???

[fixthecopier]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

[emujo]

What did the termite say when he joined his friends for a drink? Where's the bartender? Get it???

Nope

[slimslob]

What did the termite say when he joined his friends for a drink? Where's the bartender? Get it???

It think it would make more sense as "Was the bartender here?"

[bigwul]

It think it would make more sense as "Was the bartender here?"

Get it now - unfortunately - it was funnier when I didn't understand it......

[fixthecopier]

A man tells his urologist he wants to be castrated. The urologist says "That's a pretty big thing. Maybe you should think about it."
"I have thought about it, for a long time, and it's what I want," says the man.
"All right," says the doctor. "I'll do the surgery myself."
The surgery goes well, and the doc visits the man in his hospital room. "This was very delicate surgery," he says. "So you need to take it easy. Go for short, slow walks in the hall just a few times each day."
So the man gathers up his IV stand and shuffles into the hallway. As he makes his way, he sees another fellow walking towards him in the same manner. "What are you in for?" the man asks him.
"Just got circumcised," the other fellow says.
The man balls his hands into fists and shouts, "Circumcised!!! THAT was the word!!"

[NeoMatrix]

A man tells his urologist he wants to be castrated. The urologist says "That's a pretty big thing. Maybe you should think about it."
"I have thought about it, for a long time, and it's what I want," says the man.
"All right," says the doctor. "I'll do the surgery myself."
The surgery goes well, and the doc visits the man in his hospital room. "This was very delicate surgery," he says. "So you need to take it easy. Go for short, slow walks in the hall just a few times each day."
So the man gathers up his IV stand and shuffles into the hallway. As he makes his way, he sees another fellow walking towards him in the same manner. "What are you in for?" the man asks him.
"Just got circumcised," the other fellow says.
The man balls his hands into fists and shouts, "Circumcised!!! THAT was the word!!"

Sh!t I hit the like button by mistake.... I think every single bloke has crossed their legs after reading that...

[blsquires]

a totally drunk man goes into police station undoes his fly and flops his member onto the desk and starts shouting get the Sargent and get him now
the Sargent hears all the commotion and goes up to the desk and says to the drunk what do you think your doing.
the drunk said get your breathalyser and shove it on this.whatever for said the sarg.
well he said i think i might be driving it home tonight.

[fixthecopier]

During an interview....


Interviewer..."So how long were you at your last job?"

Canidate..."I would say my greatest weakness is my listening skills."