Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #2751
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts Debs1964's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    It think it would make more sense as "Was the bartender here?"
    Nope, I still don't get it
    There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary maths and those who don't

  2. #2752
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Debs1964 View Post
    Nope, I still don't get it
    Separate the word 'bartender' into two words - Is the bar tender here?
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  3. #2753
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts Debs1964's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post
    Separate the word 'bartender' into two words - Is the bar tender here?
    Thank you, in my defense, it is late here so my brain has stopped working
    There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary maths and those who don't

  4. #2754
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Q...How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A...None, that's a hardware problem.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  5. #2755
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    From George Takei Facebook Page

  6. #2756
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

    In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen."

  7. #2757
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
    she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
    stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet
    shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
    has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed,
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
    the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she
    protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
    something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned
    around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
    with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
    in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
    front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
    top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
    shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the
    head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
    returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
    delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
    back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
    strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the
    woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
    definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
    produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
    cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
    the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
    Cat Scan, it's now $150."
    At least 50% of IT is a solution looking for a problem.

  8. #2758
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A lady goes to her doctor about her lack of sex with her husband.
    Doctor: Give your husband viagra.
    Lady: I can't, he hates pills.
    Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.
    Next week she returns, unhappy.
    Doctor: Was it good?
    Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.
    Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?
    Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
    Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  10. #2760
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
    And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
    Tarzan not know sex he replied.
    Jane explained to him what sex was.
    Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.
    Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.
    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
    Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.
    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
    Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?
    Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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