Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[Akitu]

A man was admitted to the hospital recently with 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors describe his condition as stable.

[NeoMatrix]

A man was admitted to the hospital recently with 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors describe his condition as stable.

Hospital staff where betting odds-on favorite that the cause was race related....

[fixthecopier]

I Knew This Would Happen! I think it is a sign of the end of human life as we know it...

[Akitu]

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't even notice; call her fat once and she'll always remember.
Is that because an elephant never forgets?

[slimslob]

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't even notice; call her fat once and she'll always remember.
Is that because an elephant never forgets?

But if she asks if an article of clothing makes her look fat, it is always the clothing making her "look fat".

[fixthecopier]

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins.
They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse.
Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse.
Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming “I’m the mouse! I’m the mouse!”

[fixthecopier]

A first grade teacher asks the kids in the class to tell a story that has a moral to it.
The first kid says, "Ummm I was walking with my eggs in a basket and I tripped and the basket fell and all my eggs broke."
Teacher, "That's terrible. What's the moral?" Kid (crying), "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next kid stands up and says, "I had some eggs too. I counted them all up to see how many chickens I would have. But one didn't hatch."
Teacher, "That's so sad. What's the moral?" Kid (crying), "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next kid stands up and says, "My uncle Ted was in Vietnam. He was riding in a chopper. It got shot down. Everyone died except him. All he had was his M16 and a case of beer. His leg was broken. He was surrounded by Viet Cong. He drank six beers. He shot five of them until his gun jammed. He drank six more beers and beat the rest of the VC to death with his bare hands."
The teacher says, "Oh my god. That's horrible. What is the moral of that story?"
Kid says, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

[fixthecopier]

One day an elderly Amish lady is riding her horse and buggy back from the farmers market when a police officer pulls her over for a broken reflector. He gets out of his car and notifies her of it. She replies, "Oh thank you officer! Is there anything else?" So the officer does a routine inspection of the 'vehicle' and notices that one of the reins is wrapped around the horses testicles. He notifies the lady and she thanks him and tells him that he husband will take care of all of it when she gets home. When she gets home, she tells her husband all about the event with the cop and all about the reflector. The husband replies, "That's simple. I can fix that in a jiffy. Was there anything else?" After thinking for a moment, the old woman replies, "I can't quite remember. Something about the emergency brake.

[NeoMatrix]

DIFFERENT TYPES OF SEX

PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.

'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

'Pension sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,

doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out

this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see

what the problem is..'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

SEX &ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make

you happy tonight.'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over

the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly.'