Joke of the Day

**Akitu** · 02-19-2015

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

**fixthecopier** · 02-21-2015

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

**fixthecopier** · 02-21-2015

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

**fixthecopier** · 02-22-2015

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.
Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so stupid to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.
The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."

**fixthecopier** · 02-22-2015

A woman was walking one day when she heard a noise coming from the woods. She goes into the woods to look and finds a genie living there. The genie looking surprised says to her, "If you dont tell anybody about me, I will grant you 3 wishes."The woman agrees and The genie says, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman agrees. For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The genie warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. "The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, The genie grants this and suddenly she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The genie said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, again the genie agrees and suddenly she's the richest woman in the world! The genie then asked about her third wish, too which the women replies. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

"Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women think they can outsmart us but really we always win. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Next time...read less.

**White_Toner** · 02-22-2015

I go to buy some beer :-)

**allan** · 02-22-2015

Ok im not from cold snowy places so i found this funny.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs!!

**Akitu** · 02-23-2015

A police officer pulls over a priest for swerving. As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"