Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[fixthecopier]

Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.
"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"
"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."
Convinced that Billy was wrong, Grandpa Cecil said "Billy, you can't catch chicken with chicken wire! Not how that works."
Billy shrugs his shoulders and heads off. Later that evening, Billy passes back by and in the chicken wire was a bunch of chickens.
"Son of a bitch," Grandpa Cecil muttered to himself.
Billy passes by Cecil's the next day when Cecil noticed something in Billy's left hand.
"Hey, billy. Whatcha got there?"
"It's duct tape. I'm gonna go catch some ducks with it."
Thinking yesterday was a fluke, Grandpa Cecil said "What the hell, Billy. You don't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Same time that evening, Billy passes back by with about 7 or 8 ducks on a line of duct tape.
Grandpa Cecil is speechless.
On the third and final day, Billy was walking past Grandpa Cecil's house. He an extra bounce in his step and was waving around something that Cecil couldn't make out.
"Say there, Billy. What's that you have today?"
"It's pussywillow. I'm gonna go get som..."
Grandpa Cecil interrupted Billy.
"Oh, hot damn! Hold on, let me get my hat!"

[Akitu]

I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I'm completely fine.

[NeoMatrix]

Little Johny is sitting in class one day when the teach ask the students to give her a sentence with the word contageous.

Mary pops her hand up "ooh ooh miss miss", "yes Mary" the teacher says.
I heard from the doctor that colds and flues are very contageous", "very good" said the teach, " ....anybody else?"

Billy brown pops his hand up, " ooh miss,miss" Yes Billy" said the teacher.
My dog got a bad rash and the vet said it was contageous, "Well done Billy", said the the teacher,... "anybody else?"

Little Johny throws his hand up ooh miss, ooh miss, Yes Johnny" said the teacher.

"My Dad saw Billy Brown walking down the road the other day with a huge glass jar full of marbles, and he dropped them fair in the middle of the road, My dad said "it would take the contageous to pick-em all up."

[Iowatech]

How to be yourself

[fixthecopier]

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.
"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.
"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.
"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"
The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"
At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"
"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"
The king, furious at his servants similar suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

[Akitu]

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour.
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where the baby is."

[Akitu]

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour.
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where the baby is."

[ZOOTECH]

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour.
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where the baby is."

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour.
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where the baby is."

Strange things are happening - deja vue!