Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[fixthecopier]

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.
The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud SLAP.
When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.
The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."
The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

[Akitu]

Strange things are happening - deja vue!

The website glitched up and kept telling me I had a 503 error. Blame Aneurysm!

[Akitu]

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...

[sdrawkcab]

When Miley Cyrus licks a sledge hammer, it's considered 'art'

When I do it I get a trespass notice from Home Depot.

[atwageman]

Fifty Shades is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer park, it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

[fixthecopier]

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."

[Akitu]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar in Dublin...
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Akitu]

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge

The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

[fixthecopier]

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.
That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”