Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #2911
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
    Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said: 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the facts: at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded: 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
    'Now wot da fock would you say?'
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  2. #2912
    Retired 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Authorities at New York’s Kennedy Airport found four pounds of cocaine hidden in a woman’s underwear. They say she had so much cocaine in her underwear that her 18-hour bra had been up for three days.

  3. #2913
    Legendary Frost Spec Tech 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
    God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  4. #2914
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This is from Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day .....

    " A special thanks to our friends at the Smoking Gun for providing the details in today’s report from Colorado Springs, Colorado. It seems our bozo had been in a domestic dispute with a loved one and finally had all he could take of her unresponsiveness, inactivity and refusal to perform. So, he pulled out a gun, took her into a back alley, and filled her full of lead, firing eight shots into her, which led to her untimely demise. Someone nearby heard the shots and called 911. The police arrived and found the lifeless body. Or more accurately, the lifeless metal box. The victim was his dead Dell computer who had given the man the blue screen of death one time too many. He’s been charged with unlawful discharge of a firearm. The deceased is survived by a monitor and a keyboard. "
    "The Serenity Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .

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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    last week I took off my pants and put on a rain coat and went to the park. I saw two old ladies on a bench. I walked over to them and opened my rain coat, exposing myself. One of the ladies had a stroke....the other couldn't reach it.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  7. #2917
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a while they tell him to explain what happened as honestly as he could. He starts,
    "I was driving and realized that I had lost all possible means of braking or even slowing down the truck."
    "Go on".
    "I was losing control and had to steer the truck onto a large ground besides the road, to avoid collision with the traffic."
    "Then?"
    "I was still unable to slow the truck down, then I realized, to my horror, that I had to make a choice: I could have either steered the truck towards the large crowd which was there for the concert and killed several people or I could have steered the truck towards a hotdog stand where there were only 2 people"
    "You moron! Why didn't you choose to kill the people near the hotdog stand?"
    "I did, officer! I crushed one under my truck, but the other one ran into the crowd."
    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  8. #2918
    Not a service manager 2,500+ Posts Iowatech's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  9. #2919
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Why dogs suck at playing poker. They just can't help it.


    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  10. #2920
    Legendary Frost Spec Tech 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My room mate's diary says I have boundary issues...
    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

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