Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[fixthecopier]

Intelligence is all about perception.






A young boy enters a barbershop… the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.”

The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, “Which do you want?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why’d you take the quarters and not the dollar?” he asks.
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

[fixthecopier]

Guy walks into a bar with a loaded rifle and yells "Alright, who ever has been fucking my wife, step forward". A man in the back of the bar yells "You ain't got enough bullets!"

[Akitu]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

[slimslob]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[Akitu]

My wife asked me "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said "Of course I would. I would miss you, but I would still love you."

[fixthecopier]

A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[ZOOTECH]

Lexophile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."


A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Guy who fell on a upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

Those who get too big for their pants get exposed in the end.


ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN...IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE

[HenryT2]

Square Root.jpg

[slimslob]