Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Does "Fecal" Matter?

Hello everyone, I haven't been here in a while. I am looking for old friend, I have forgotten his online name here. Here's what I can remember he lives in lower Alabama and loves to drink beer, he is a great guy and I just wanted to catch up with him.

You just described probably just about most of the men in Alabama.

[slimslob]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair, said the cop, laughing. OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[jonhiker]

Fw: Fwd: Message to Bob's Helpline

Hi Bob,

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.


When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.


It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[jonhiker]

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it.

As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."



And so it happened.

His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.



First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.



Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.



Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.



He later went on to become a member of Congress.

[slimslob]

[ZOOTECH]

A distraught man ran into the doctor's office. "Doc" the man screamed. "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at the Dr. and replied, "When did what happen?"

[Lagonda]

Someone just paid $3.6 billion for Lexmark........sorry, no punch line but the fact that someone thought that Lexmark was worth paying for should make you laugh.

[fixthecopier]

Someone just paid $3.6 billion for Lexmark........sorry, no punch line but the fact that someone thought that Lexmark was worth paying for should make you laugh.

So, how many sets of Lexmark toner did that get them?

[fixthecopier]

What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

[ZOOTECH]

On my last day before retirement, I'm re-posting a good one.

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus
creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early ).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
for the SHAFT program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate..

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS ( Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse ) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired personnel
Early Severance ).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT , please bring
this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E.V.I.L. )
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.