Joke of the Day

[skynet]

Two atoms walk into a bar.
One says to the other "I've lost an electron."
The other replies "Are you sure?"
The first says "I'm positive."

Admittedly, taken (and likely paraphrased) from Fallout 3 because I thought it was funny.

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a gin and tonic?" The bartender smiled wryly and replied, "For you, no charge."

[fixthecopier]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘
‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’
The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

[fixthecopier]

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have a carport.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always wake up before her.”
Lawyer: “Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I have proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says … ‘Polish remover.’ ”





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[mohan]

Two guys at a bar:
1st guy: ''I got castrated last week''
2nd guy: ''Really? WHY?''
1st guy: ''My wife doesn't want any more kids''
2nd guy: ''Why didn't you just get a vasectomy?''
1st guy: ''VASECTOMY!! I always mix those two words up! DAMN!!''

[skynet]

[NeoMatrix]

snip

Read the advert on the back of the truck....
They might want to change that for this bloke.

Twisted sense of irony, the company logo says Shaffer trucking, isn't shaffer a brand of razor blade?
The guy's definitely shaved the top off the trailer.

[slimslob]

[fixthecopier]

A Russian couple is walking down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop on his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."