Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #3571
    Not a service manager 2,500+ Posts Iowatech's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Lagonda View Post
    For what it is worth, here's a drama button.

  2. #3572
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
    The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
    The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
    Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."
    The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."
    The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."
    The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
    The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"
    The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  3. #3573
    Service Manager 250+ Posts nottoosharp's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by fixthecopier View Post
    A mother, cleaning her sons bedroom, finds a large number of BDSM magazines under his bed. She shows them to her husband and ask what he thinks they should do about it. "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question" he replies.
    Lmao. Omg


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  4. #3574
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #3575
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    Re: Joke of the Day


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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
    So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
    And God agreed......
    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
    And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
    "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
    Life has now been explained to you.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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    Not a service manager 2,500+ Posts Iowatech's Avatar
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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Cost of Chinese take out...$12.46 Cost of gas to get it...$1.74 Driving all the way home before finding out they forgot one of the containers...riceless!
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  10. #3580
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts TheBlueOrleans's Avatar
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    Medical Research

    [delicate sensibilities warning]

    I am privy to information resulting from a medical study conducted over several months that it seems to be physically impossible to maintain a consistent stream of urine while flatulating during the elimination sequence.

    More study is needed to reinforce current findings, but results appear consistent from every attempt.

    (The control group is pissed, though.)
    Last edited by TheBlueOrleans; 07-28-2016 at 07:48 PM. Reason: Edited for clarification: Piss farts interrupt flow.
    Somewhere there is a tree working hard to produce oxygen for you to live, NOW GO APOLOGIZE TO IT!

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