Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #3941
    IT Manager 10,000+ Posts bsm2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but it has only 3 parachutes. Jeb Bush yells, “I’m part of a Republican Legacy, I can’t die,” takes the first parachute, and jumps. Donald Trump yells, “I’m the President and the smartest man in the world,” grabs the second parachute, and jumps. Hillary asks Bernie, “Now, how are we going to decide fairly who gets the last parachute?”
    Bernie smiles. “Don’t worry, there are parachutes for both of us. The world’s smartest man just took my backpack.”

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    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by fixthecopier View Post
    I might have an open casket funeral...Remains to be seen.
    ... I have to stay true to myself. If I chuckle out loud I press the jokes like button.... I don't know why....

    When your old, what ever remains to be seen can only be seen by who ever remains....
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head in the brush. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
    "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !
    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.
    "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "Still in that ditch with my Harley, I guess."
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  4. #3944
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

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    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Q: Is Google male or female?
    A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  6. #3946
    IT Manager 10,000+ Posts bsm2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I am 55 years old and I have just realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and I am this witty but I actually stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend of her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol Enjoy the rest of your day!!!!

  7. #3947
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A wife got so mad at her husband she chucked his stuff onto the front lawn and told him to get the hell out. As he was walking out the door she said, I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
    He turned around and said, "So you want me to stay."

  8. #3948
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
    They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
    The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
    The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
    By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
    They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
    The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
    Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...
    Only this time there were two people in the plane.
    The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  9. #3949
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by fixthecopier View Post

    {random}

    The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
    Yea ol' "hell hath no fury..... "
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. Now he is 83 and we don't know where in the hell he is at.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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