Joke of the Day

**izzynut** · 09-17-2018

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."

(Gotta love military time!)

**izzynut** · 09-18-2018

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown...

**izzynut** · 09-21-2018

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
With a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
Bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have
Defended yourself,didn't you have something
In your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy."Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."

**izzynut** · 09-21-2018

A n Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and, of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the
Road.

A cop pulls him over .
" S o," says the cop to the driver, " Where have
Ya been?"
" W hy, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" W ell," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" D id you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
" O h, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
" F or a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

**izzynut** · 09-21-2018

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**izzynut** · 09-21-2018

An elderly gentleman joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.' Answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist.'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee..'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

**izzynut** · 09-21-2018

B renda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
Usual, when Patrick Flanagan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin to tell ya".
" O f course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Patrick. But where's my husband?"
" T hat's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
Brewery..."
" O h, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
Me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
F inally, she looked up at Patrick.
" How did it happen, Patrick?"

" I t was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" O h my dear! But you must tell me truth,
Patrick . Did he at least go quickly?"

" W ell, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three
Times to pee."

**izzynut** · 09-21-2018

M ary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
H e says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
Dear?"
S he says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
T he priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
S he says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down
That damn gun...'