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Peeing On The Flowers
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
================
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re seventy and over..............who cares?
================
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy and older..............who cares?
================
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then.. try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy and older..............who cares?
================
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy and older..............who cares?
================
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy and over...............who cares
and I'm imagining David Blaine reading and looking at the camera every after...who caresOriginally Posted by izzynut
Aye! Cut the crap
For weekend golfers only!Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage,
put my clubs & cart into the trunk, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 km/h. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 40 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have definitely stopped golfing on Saturdays.
You should have gotten back out of bed, gotten dressed and said well I guess I'll go find somewhere else to play around.
Dr. Lickalot(a gynecologist) was rudely interrupted by hisoffice manager. He was told he was being sued by a patient for sexual harassment. Hecalled his lawyer Mr. Howe from the law firm of Ben, Dover and Howe. Howe told him to email the paperwork. Howe went to print out the paperwork and it jammedin the copier. Howe calls his IT guyNoah Personality to address the problem. Noah told him he had to call his copier tech Gary. Gary came out and as he was pulling out thepaperwork he noticed that it was in regards to a suit his wife had filledagainst Lickalot. It was a simple jambut he talks to Howe and tells him he needs to get a part and that it is onbackorder from Japan.
Moral of the story, “If your copier runs like shit, you may be and asshole!"
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and watching
the front door of the brothel across the road.
They see the local Baptist pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.
"Would you look at that!” exclaims the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say
what a bunch of hypocrites those Baptists are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the brothel
door, knocks, and also disappears inside.
“Dere's another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and silly hats!"
They continue drinking while roundly condemning the pastor and the rabbi when
they see their local Catholic priest knock on the brothel door.
"Ah, now dat’s sad," says the third Irishman, “One of the girls must have died."
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”
A woman walks into the Denver welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'Wow,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'sit down Billy.' All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here
to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Billy
and the girls are all named Billie."
In disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious?
They're all named Billy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Billy!
and when it's time for dinner, I just yell Billy! and they all
come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running
into the street, I just yell Billy and all of them stop. It's
the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Billy.'
The case worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want
one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
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