Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4091
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    snip

    The case worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
    forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want
    one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

    'Then I call them by their last names.'
    And laugh you may....

    After we move to our present location my realestate agent rented our previous house to a women that had 6 children to 6 different fathers.

    Current news is that this same lady she has recently passed away.

    True...
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
    •••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ¡ | x | •[§]••• ••••••

  2. #4092
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  3. #4093
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

    He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race.
    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
    Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
    The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
    Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

    He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
    He bet big on it, and it won.
    As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

    The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
    and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
    This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
    The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
    In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was.
    Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
    All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
    Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
    Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'

    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
    "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

    "No, I'm Jewish"

    "That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites".

  4. #4094
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #4095
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts StrippedScrew's Avatar
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    Red face Re: Joke of the Day

    Stolen from a M.A.S.H. episode
    The etymology of politics - Poly, means many, ticks, bloodsucking parasites

  6. #4096
    Retired 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day


  7. #4097
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
    A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
    The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

    "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
    "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
    "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
    "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

    "And then?"
    "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
    The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
    "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
    "And then?"
    "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
    "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
    "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
    "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
    In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  8. #4098
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  9. #4099
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  10. #4100
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    Re: Joke of the Day


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