Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4101
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
    She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
    She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
    He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a six-foot
    Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
    10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
    She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
    "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.
    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
    Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
    The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
    The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
    He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
    She paid the bill...................

  2. #4102
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

    So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.


    Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

    #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world

    #8 Life is sexually transmitted

    #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

    #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

    #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

    #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.



  3. #4103
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    DIVORCE HEARING IN ITALY..............

    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

    The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

    After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
    "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

    DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!

  4. #4104
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'





    Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'





    Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.





    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.





    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.





    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'



    Harry: '9..'





    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'



    Harry: '36.'





    And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.





    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'





    But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'





    The principal and Harry both agree.





    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'





    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'





    Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'





    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.





    Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..





    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'





    Harry: 'Pants.'





    By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.





    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'





    Harry: 'Shake hands.'





    The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……





    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'





    Harry: 'Firetruck.'





    The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, " Put the little shit in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself ..."

  5. #4105
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!






    Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
    A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'







    Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.





    Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
    A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.





    Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
    A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...





    BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

    Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
    A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.










    Nominated as the world's best short joke

    A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
    'Not yet,' she replied.
























































  6. #4106
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.
    Blew my mind.
    I’ve been his customer for years.
    I had no idea he was a barber.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  7. #4107
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

    "What does that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl went to the garage and asked,

    "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

    Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

    The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  8. #4108
    Major Asshole! 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    ' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
    Mascan42

    'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'

    Ibid

    I'm just an ex-tech lurking around and spreading disinformation!

  9. #4109
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    How the word "Kung-Fu" originated.
    -----------------------------------------
    The elder of the local aboriginal tribe had to teach all the
    young bucks how to throw a boomerang.

    So,all the young bucks line up to watch the expert elder throw.
    In turn each lad had to step up to the head of the line an throw their boomerang.

    Young jacky-jacky is getting impatience waiting at the back of the line,
    so he decides to test fly his own boomerang out back behind the others.

    Jacky's boomerang flew purfect, it went flying out in a huge high cycle
    an came thundering back toward Jacky-jacky, who tried to jump up and catch it.
    He missed the boomerang as it thundered passed the rest of the boys, an
    smacked the elder clear in the back of the head.

    As the elder got up off the ground, he turned around and said "Which Kung-Fu That!!!"...
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
    •••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ˇ | x | •[§]••• ••••••

  10. #4110
    Retired 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day


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