Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4151
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her strugglethe phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
    'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.

  2. #4152
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
    When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
    shut-ins,
    I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
    She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
    particularly
    the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of falseteeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,'she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

  5. #4155
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A new phenomenon calledE-MOONING
    We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
    means a smile and
    is a frown.

    Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
    Here goes:

    (_!_) a regular ass

    (__!__) a fat ass

    (!) a tight ass

    (_*_) an ass hole

    {_!_} a swishy ass

    (_o_) an ass that's been around

    (_x_)
    kiss my ass

    (_X_) leave my ass alone

    (_zzz_) a tired ass

    (_E=mc2_) a smart ass

    (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

    (_?_) Dumb Ass
    You have just been e-mooned! Send
    this to 5 people within the next hour and
    you will be blessed with people laughingtheir asses offat your e-mail.

  6. #4156
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    Re: Joke of the Day


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    Re: Joke of the Day


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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Irish Alzheimer’s

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

    After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"

    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without
    your hat than burn in hell?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Flight Attendant

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.


    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's freezer.


    The lawyer advised the flight attendant that he was holding her personally responsible for keeping the crabs frozen, informing her in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.


    The flight attendant was pretty annoyed by his behavior, but put the crabs in the freezer and went about her business.


    Shortly before landing in New York, the flight attendant used the intercom to query the entire cabin, asking, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"



    Not one hand went up ... so the blonde flight attendant took the crabs home and ate them.


    Two lessons here:


    1. Lawyers aren't always as smart as they think they are.


    2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folks think they are.
    Last edited by izzynut; 02-15-2019 at 11:17 AM.

  10. #4160
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Police Patrol

    From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.
    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
    After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it.
    He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
    Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
    He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
    Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
    To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
    Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
    'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

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