Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4171
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,

    "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

    The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.

    The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.

    The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.

    The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  2. #4172
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

    The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

    One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies,

    "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

    The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

    The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  3. #4173
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Ink transfusion
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    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  4. #4174
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Older Men Scam

    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



    Here's how the scam works; Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but



    instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.



    You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.



    I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



    So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.



    Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.



    Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.



    So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

  5. #4175
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What is the difference between a Chick Pea and a Garbanzo Bean?

    I wouldn't pay a Garbanzo to Bean on my face.

  6. #4176
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Mrs. Cole, the science teacher, took her students out of school for a social experiment.

    They arrived at a farmhouse and she placed two buckets in front of a donkey – one filled with water and the other with alcohol.

    The donkey drank all the water while leaving the alcohol untouched.

    Mrs. Cole asked the students, “What did you learn from this experiment?”

    One boy replied, “One who does not drink alcohol is a donkey!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  7. #4177
    Aging Tech 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A billionaire, a factory worker and an immigrant are in a room with a thousand cookies on a table. The billionaire takes 999 cookies and whispers in the factory workers ear "look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie".

  8. #4178
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    +18

    Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

    Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


    Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

    Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

    The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  9. #4179
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  10. #4180
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts theengel's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Many of these are simply not true. Some are speculative.

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