Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.

The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.

The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:

"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!

The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?

No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

[Lagonda]

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.

Nah, don't believe that, the "ladies" around here aren't cheap......................so I'm told!


But while we're being poetic about camels;


The sexual urge of the camel is greater than anyone thinks
And during the mating season it even fancies the Sphinx
Now the Sphinx's posterior passage
Are blocked by the sands of the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinxes inscrutable smile!

[NeoMatrix]

{snip}


No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two'"
Hence from that night we both felt spent.
The ladies thorough; our cheap descent.
And as the itch progress to pain,
the thought of cheap began to wane.
And from then on respite did show
the Doc just said "please pay as you go".

[tsbservice]

The sexual urge of the camel is greater than anyone thinks
And during the mating season it even fancies the Sphinx
Now the Sphinx's posterior passage
Are blocked by the sands of the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinxes inscrutable smile!

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two'"
Hence from that night we both felt spent.
The ladies thorough; our cheap descent.
And as the itch progress to pain,
the thought of cheap began to wane.
And from then on respite did show
the Doc just said "please pay as you go".

Awesome!
You Aussie guys better change pope and professor

[izzynut]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”

[tsbservice]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says,
"I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks,
"Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says,
"Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford,
"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[tsbservice]

One very hot dry day, a local cowboy visited the reservation.
He went there from time to time to mingle with the Indians.
There was this one Indian that the cowboy has become friends with.
This Indian from pretty much a loner from all the other tribe.
He was all alone, his parents got killed in battle, an he had no squaw that he claimed as his own.

This cowboy felt sorry for the lonely Indian.
He told him that he could help him overcome being so lonely.
But, he would have to go into the nearby town.
Told him to go into the town saloon and walk up to the bar.
There would be a lady standing behind the bar.
Tell her that you want a woman, she will take care of you.
I will tell her to be expecting you.

Next day the Indian went into town and walked up to the bar in the saloon.
The Indian began this conversation with the lady.

Indian: Me want a woman.
Lady: How much money do you have?
Indian: What is money!
Lady: It is something that you must have to spend time with one of my girls.

She explained to the Indian what money was. So the Indian left and told her that he would return. A couple of days pasted and the Indian returned.
He approached the bar.

Indian: Me want a woman.
Lady: Did you get you any money?
Indian: Yea, me got plenty of money.
Lady: Do you have any experience with a woman?
Indian: What you mean by experience?
Lady: You have to be experienced to spend time with my girls.

The Lady explained to the Indian how he could get his experience.

Lady: You go to the mountains and find a big tree. Make sure it is one that has a knot hole in it.
You will be able to get all the experience you wish.
Then when you feel that you have all the experience that you can get.
You can come back here and I will have one of my girls take care of your needs.

The Indian left the town and went up into the mountains.
One week passed by before the Indian returned.
The next week the Indian returned to the saloon.
He was very angry and very aggressive with the lady behind the counter.

Indian: Me want a woman, an me want woman right now!
Lady: Have you gotten any experience since you were here last?
Indian: Me got all kinds of experience, an a bag full of money. Me want woman now.

Lady: All right! Follow me to the top of the stairs.

The Indian followed her to the top of the steps to a door.
He opened the door and there stood the most lovely woman he had ever seen.
He closed the door behind him and walked up to the woman.
She asked, "What would you like for me to do?" The woman began removing all of her clothes also the Indian.
The Indian asked, "Turn around and bend-em over and touch your toes."
She liked that ideal, so she turned around and bent over like the Indian ask.
The Indian stepped up behind the woman and pulled back his leg and kicked her in the ass.
The woman jumped up in surprise. She ask the Indian, "What in the hell did you have to do that for?" The Indian looked at the woman and replied,
"Me checking for bees in that knot hole."

[izzynut]

Every year, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win.

He never did.

One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall.

She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties.

He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks.

He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign.

He lost again.

Sad!

The winning number was 707.

Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.

[tech07]

Two elderly ladies decided to go to an afternoon movie at the cinema.
Halfway thru the movie, one lady leaned over and whispered into her friends ear,
Oh no ! The man beside me is fondling himself.
Her friend replied, OMG let's move, fast.
The other lady replied, I can"t ! He's using My hand

[Andyboachie]

Four thieves entered into the backyard garden of a man armed with AK47. The garden contained both fruits and vegetables. Each of the thieves started to remove whatever their hands can set on. Suddenly, they heard a loud gunshot into the air, and there stood the man, having all of them at gunpoint.
He ordered that either each of them insert one of whatever each has harvested into his ass or get shot to death.
Suddenly, the first who stole grapes forced his into his ass, and the man allowed him to run away. The next miraculously squeezed a tomato through and he too was allowed to run away. But surprisingly, the third burst into an uncontrollable laughter. The man with the gun angered by the attitude of the third thief, quizzed angrily: "So I'm funny right, you think I'm joking?" (cocking his gun).
The third thief answered: "No, Sir it is not you I'm laughing at"
Armed man: "But who are you laughing at?"
Thief: "My friend who is after me"
Armed man: "What about him is funny?"
Thief: "He stole watermelon"