Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4231
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Raleigh NC
    Posts
    22,659
    Rep Power
    658

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Yeah a lil outta date.. but WTF!

    Lil Johnny is at it again!


    "What does your Mommy Do?"


    One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.


    All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.


    However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother...

    He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."


    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"


    "No" Lil Johnny said

    "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

  2. #4232
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Insane Diego, CA
    Posts
    3,366
    Rep Power
    102

    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Indian With One Testicle
    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
    name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
    cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
    again I will kill them!'
    The word got around and nobody called
    him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
    forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
    jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
    the forest where he made love to her all day and
    all night. He made love to her all the next day,
    until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what
    he promised he would do. Years went by and no
    one dared call him by his given name until A woman
    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
    away. Yellow Bird, who wasBlueBird's cousin, was
    overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
    and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
    then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
    night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
    her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die!








    Why ???








    OH, come on... take a guess !!!








    Think about it !



    You're going to love this !!!








    Everyone knows...


    You can't kill Two Birds


    withOneStone!!!

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  3. #4233
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Insane Diego, CA
    Posts
    3,366
    Rep Power
    102

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Subject: Golf Nut

    Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as

    you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."



    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  4. #4234
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    4,793
    Rep Power
    162

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
    While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
    For $100, the cabby agrees.
    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.
    The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
    The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

    "HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

    "HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat..

    "HE paid for your Football season tickets..

    "HE paid for our house at the lake.
    "HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

    "HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

    "And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'


    The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

  5. #4235
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    7,102
    Rep Power
    346

    Re: Joke of the Day

    England
    Brexit.jpg
    Brexit
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  6. #4236
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Insane Diego, CA
    Posts
    3,366
    Rep Power
    102

    Re: Joke of the Day


    Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done
    and do not try to blame others.

    HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
    it was NOT senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,

    The pride out of appearance,

    The courtesy out of driving,

    The romance out of love,

    The commitment out of marriage,

    The responsibility out of parenthood,


    The togetherness out of the family,

    The learning out of education


    The service out of patriotism,

    The Golden Rule from rulers,

    The nativity scene out of cities,

    The civility out of behavior,

    The refinement out of language,

    The dedication out of employment,

    The prudence out of spending,

    The ambition out of achievement or

    God out of government and school.


    And we certainly are NOT the ones who
    eliminated patience and tolerance from
    personal relationships and interactions with
    others!!

    And, we DO understand the meaning of
    patriotism, and remember those who have
    fought and died for our country.

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

    YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

    I'm the life of the party.....
    Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
    With a hammer.

    I'm awake many hours before
    my body allows me to get up.

    I'm smiling all the time,
    because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

    I'm sure everything I can't find is
    in a safe secure place, somewhere.

    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
    and that's just my left leg.

    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
    and I think I am having the time of my life!
    Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
    Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
    They won't remember, even if they did send it.
    Spread the laughter
    Share the cheer
    Let's be happy
    While we're here.


    Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  7. #4237
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Raleigh NC
    Posts
    22,659
    Rep Power
    658

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post

    Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done
    and do not try to blame others.

    HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
    it was NOT senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,

    The pride out of appearance,

    The courtesy out of driving,

    The romance out of love,

    The commitment out of marriage,

    The responsibility out of parenthood,


    The togetherness out of the family,

    The learning out of education


    The service out of patriotism,

    The Golden Rule from rulers,

    The nativity scene out of cities,

    The civility out of behavior,

    The refinement out of language,

    The dedication out of employment,

    The prudence out of spending,

    The ambition out of achievement or

    God out of government and school.


    And we certainly are NOT the ones who
    eliminated patience and tolerance from
    personal relationships and interactions with
    others!!

    And, we DO understand the meaning of
    patriotism, and remember those who have
    fought and died for our country.

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

    YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

    I'm the life of the party.....
    Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
    With a hammer.

    I'm awake many hours before
    my body allows me to get up.

    I'm smiling all the time,
    because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

    I'm sure everything I can't find is
    in a safe secure place, somewhere.

    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
    and that's just my left leg.

    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
    and I think I am having the time of my life!
    Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
    Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
    They won't remember, even if they did send it.
    Spread the laughter
    Share the cheer
    Let's be happy
    While we're here.


    Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!

    AMEN TO ALL OF THAT
    .
    SPECIAL KUDOS FOR THE LAST LINE!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

  8. #4238
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Insane Diego, CA
    Posts
    3,366
    Rep Power
    102

    Re: Joke of the Day

    THOUGHTS



    As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

    I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's rear anymore.

    .. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

    .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

    .. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

    .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

    Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

    the good fortune to remember the ones I do,

    And the eyesight to tell the difference.


    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?


    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


    8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.


    9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.


    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


    15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


    16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to
    get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........?








    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  9. #4239
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Insane Diego, CA
    Posts
    3,366
    Rep Power
    102

    Re: Joke of the Day

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.


    Anything a man says after that is the
    beginning of a new argument.
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  10. #4240
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Insane Diego, CA
    Posts
    3,366
    Rep Power
    102

    Re: Joke of the Day

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
    YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
    in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
    They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Get the Android App
click or scan for the Copytechnet Mobile App

-= -= -= -= -=


IDrive Remote Backup

Lunarpages Internet Solutions

Advertise on Copytechnet

Your Link Here