Joke of the Day

[FrohnB]

A GOOD CATHOLIC JOKE

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave
of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand.....Show Me!"
So the Pope Backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY, and there was happiness through the land.

[allan]

Hey allan, be strong!

Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.

The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning.

The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says:

"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

Hehe I choose life. Thats is so blunt.

[izzynut]

A father asked his 10 year old son little Johnny if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the little Johnny said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong

“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech.

At 7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech.

When I was 8, you hit me with the “there’s no tooth fairy” speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.

[izzynut]

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!” 😂😂😂

[izzynut]

I Must Confess


An Irishman lies dying; his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess”

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....

[tsbservice]

Hey izzy, nice comeback
You were missed here.

[FrohnB]

What do you call a snarky criminal falling down the stairs?
A condescending Con Descending.

[Coptech]

Probably already told it but this is one of the oldest jokes I remember overhearing my dad tell when I was too little to understand?

What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits...

[FrohnB]

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school thought about him having two dads.
His response: "They don't care, but they don't like how I'm immune to "Yo Mama" Jokes.

[izzynut]

You just have to appreciate this one.
Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late, but he was a good worker: really tidy,
clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company, and obviously demonstrating
their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here;
but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you’re a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,
"I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there
if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled and chuckled quietly as he said with a wide grin:
"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, may I get your coffee, sir?