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What's the speed limit of sex?
68, at 69 you have to turn around.
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist!
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.
As many of us know, 'Retirement' is different for everyone.
One day, while driving to do some shopping, I passed by
a newer retirement village. On the front lawn were six old
ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village
with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside
to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her,
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front
lawn?" "Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired
prostitutes - they're having a yard sale..."
On their wedding night, the young brideapproached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemakingencounter. In his highly aroused state,her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals thatshe needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she wassurprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained thathis employer was going through a process of corporatedownsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near whathe'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book whichshowed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issuedby the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that theywere one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investmentsworth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know whenTo keep their mouths shut
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for 40 are XL?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so (s)he can tell when (s)he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the two words "the" and "IRS" together they spell "theirs”?
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah-hah!
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
May you always have LOVE to share, CASH to spare and FRIENDS who care. AMEN!
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