Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[tsbservice]

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[izzynut]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM? After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be,?our families on both sides?had jet-black hair?for generations.' "Well, said the doctor,?let me ask you this. How?often do you have sex???" The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very? hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every fewmonths.' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....? ? "It's?Rust."? If you can't laugh at this one, you are having a bad day.

[izzynut]

A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.


As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.

Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?”

She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”

The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.

She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”

The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?”

The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.”

Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?”

And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Fucking Thing."

[izzynut]

Why I Like Retirement! Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me'. 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ‘********* Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!

[izzynut]

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[izzynut]

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and
gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a
terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on
board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly
apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else
can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our
10 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry,
we still have 40 dinners available."

[tsbservice]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any real interest in his paintings which had been on display for the previous few weeks.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 17 of your paintings.'

'That's wonderful, absolutely marvellous,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The buyer was your doctor.'

[tsbservice]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro – who was also a doctor – saw her heading back and said,
“You are back early, what’s wrong?"
“I was stung by a bee!" she said.
“Where?" he asked.
“Between the first and second hole." she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide."