One Liners

[JimHegs]

Sweating like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee

[Jules Winfield]

Sweating like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee

I like "Sweating like a whore in church" too...

[JimHegs]

I like "Sweating like a whore in church" too...

Sticking with the church theme, "He's got about as much class as a fart in church"

[nmfaxman]

I don't need exercise........
I run the rat race every day and always jump to conclusions.

[fixthecopier]

Busier than a whore on dollar night.
If brains were dynamite he could not blow his nose.
He did not just get beat with an ugly stick, the whole damn tree fell on him.
I feel like a trailer in a tornado of stupidity.
I feel stranded in a row boat, in the middle of a sea of stupid.
She was so ugly she would make a train take a dirt road.

[jonezy999]

Couldn't organize a f%$k in a whore house with a fist full of fifties.

We used to call a guy I once worked with "lantern" because he wasn't very bright and ya had to carry him all day,
There where another two we called "The Kleenex Cousins," one was soft, the other thick. (Do you have Kleenex tissues in the States?)
Another we called "Lucky," lucky he didn't get his arse kicked.
Then there was "morphine" the slow working dope

Still haven't been accused of harassment yet either.

[prntrfxr]

Re: One Liners

Do you have Kleenex tissues in the States?

Answer: yes

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[CableGuy]

Re: One Liners

I bought a litre of Tippex yesterday....Big mistake....

Ticket collectors.... You've got to hand it to them.....

Lollipop Ladies....They make me cross....

[rthonpm]

Re: One Liners

Bright as an Amish lightbulb

Sharp as a bowlingball

[nmfaxman]

Re: One Liners

Gave my ex the nickname Maytag.
Always frigid and never went down.

[fixthecopier]

Re: One Liners

Gave my ex the nickname Maytag.
Always frigid and never went down.

OK, that one made me laugh out loud.

[pepper38_cnd]

Re: One Liners

The Severity of the breakdown is Directly Proportionate to the Anxiety of the Operator!

[CableGuy]

Re: One Liners

Someone asked me if I'd heard any Amy Winehouse jokes, I said, no...no...no

[Rob Sandberg]

Re: One Liners

The Severity of the breakdown is Directly Proportionate to the Anxiety of the Operator!

Should this say?

The Severity of the breakdown is Directly Proportionate to the Anxiety and stupidity of the Operator.

[gneebore]

Re: One Liners

If brains were dynamite he could not blow his nose.

If he had two brains cells active at once they'd fight.

Or if he were given half a brain he'd still be called a half -wit