Joke of the Day

**MjarbarV2.0** · 02-13-2014

Originally Posted by NeoMatrix

Re: Al-cheapo Airlines.

Airport Terminal signs say: All donations to charity organisations gladly accepted by airport management.

Including rubber bands...

I wouldn't say they were cheap but they did ask if I had any experience in the cockpit.

**MjarbarV2.0** · 02-13-2014

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?
Answer: Their middle names.

When I do DIY, its like playing blackjack in a casino. The house always wins.

My friend had a heart attack while on holiday in the Black Forest. Doctors have stated he's not out of the woods yet.

Who’s the most unpopular man in football?
The bloke who shouts, "Give me a 'B'!" at Borussia Mônchengladbach games.

**ZOOTECH** · 02-13-2014

One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling!"
The teacher than asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

**NeoMatrix** · 02-14-2014

The Loneranger and his trusty Indian brave Tonto where riding through the wilderness one day when all of a sudden Tonto decides it's time to take a leak.
He jumps down off his horse and takes a well relieved long p!ss.
Just as he starts shaking out the last drops ,a rattle snake whips
around in the grass bites him on the back of the leg.

Tonto hollows out loud to the Loneranger "come quickly Boss, I've been bitten by a snake."
The Loneranger quickly jumps down off his horse and says, "show me where you've been bitten?"
"On the back of my leg," says Tonto in desparation , "Boss! what am I going to do,I don't wanna die."
The quick thinking Loneranger whips out his trusty hunting knife,
slices the snake bite on Tonto's leg, and then sucks the poison out with his mouth.
Tonto say's "thanks Boss that's a very brave thing you've done. I owe you my life kemosabe.

A month or two later the two friend where out riding once again hunting buffalo.
The Loneranger suddenly gets the urge to take a crap. He jumps off his horse,whips down his trouses
and takes a big welcome dump in some long grass. He finishes his business and was just about
to get up when a rattlesnake bites him fair on the cock. He yells out at the top of his voice
"Tonto come quick brother, a snake has just bitten me."
Tonto says "stay here Boss, I must ride quickly, the medicine man has a sweat lodge close by.
Tonto rides off at speed to find the medicine man. Tonto asks the medicine man in great haste
"what should I do, the Loneranger has been bitten by a snake?" The medicine man say's
"must take hunting blade,slice bite,suck out poison with mouth". "Go quickly , will save life."

Tonto with his head bowed low rides slowly back to greet the Loneranger.
The Loneranger in great haste said "what did the medicine man say ?"
Tonto slowly looks up at the Loneranger and replies
"the medicine man say, Boss, you gonna die!."

**Shadow1** · 02-14-2014

A boy is looking at the selection of condoms and asks why they are packaged by such unusual numbers. The store owner points out a 3 pack and says, "These are for High School students. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, one for Sunday."

The boy points to a 7 pack and remarks that 7 is even more strange. The owner replies, "These are for college students. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, etc."

Then the boy points to a 12 pack and raises his eyebrow. The owner nods sadly, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

**Akitu** · 02-14-2014

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout between them and the birch said:
"Hey, I bet you that's the son of a birch."
"No sir, you are mistaken. That is the son of a beech."
This went on back and forth for years, son of a birch, son of a beech. Until one day a woodpecker flew up to the top of the beech tree and started pecking. The beech tree said: "Hey woodpecker, could you do us a favor. Me and Mr. Birch have a bet about that sapling down there. Could you check it out and tell us if it is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch. The woodpecker replies:
"No problem. I can figure this out for you guys."
The woodpecker flies down to the sapling, pecks at it for a minute, and flies up to the beech tree. The beech asks:
"So, what's the verdict? Is it a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker replies:
"I don't know what all your fuss was about, but that was the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

**Mr.Claire** · 02-14-2014

F18 to Iran Air Traffic control

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.  The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

US Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

US Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: Nuthin but Static

**MjarbarV2.0** · 02-15-2014

Two women knocked at my door and started preaching to me about the virtues of brown bread. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. The previous arrests were 1765, 1849, and 1938.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at everyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. That's the last time I will ever play Monopoly with him again.

A man went into business prospecting for gold. Unfortunately it didn't pan out.

Don't steal! That's the government's job.