Joke of the Day

[KenB]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...!"

It hurt my eyes reading that one.

[KenB]

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Moooooooo....

[slimslob]

It was a slow crime day in Metropolis and all comicbook land, so Superman flew over to see Batman.
Superman: Hey Batman! Wanna go out for a few beers?
Batman: Can't. I've got to tune up the Batmobile.
Disappointed, Superman checks in with Spiderman.
Superman: Hey Spiderman! Wanna go out for a few beers?
Spiderman: Can't. I've got to mix up some more web fluid.
REALLY disappointed, Superman takes off. He spots Wonder Woman lying naked, face up, on her roof. Superman decides that this time, he's not going to be rejected, so moving at super speed so as not to be seen, swoops down, shtups her, and flies off.
Wonder Woman props herself up on one elbow and says "What the hell was THAT?"
And the Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but all of a sudden, my asshole is killing me.

[Akitu]

An old man... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....


n

I know I've posted this one at least twice... Lol

[gwaddle]

I know I've posted this one at least twice... Lol

And I laughed both times.

[Akitu]

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.
I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

[blsquires]

mary had a little lamb.
she kept it in a bucket.
every time she let it out
her bulldog tried to chase it

old mother hubard went to the cupboard.
to get for herself a french letter.
when she got there the cupboard was bare.
so she tried it without.
it was better

[Akitu]

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

[copier addict]

old mother hubard went to the cupboard.
to get for herself a french letter.
when she got there the cupboard was bare.
so she tried it without.
it was better

You are gonna have to explain this one to me. Sorry, I'm a bit slow.

[Akitu]

You are gonna have to explain this one to me. Sorry, I'm a bit slow.

As far as I can tell from the first half of that post, it appears to be a dirty limerick/poem that had the final words changed to be clean. I'm not 100% on this though...