My girlfriend the other day said " Honey I think you need to go to the doctor and get some of those pills to make you hard".
So the next day I went, came back and threw her a bottle of diet pills.
I am searching for a new girlfriend.
Here you go
Groan.jpg
At least 50% of IT is a solution looking for a problem.
Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again
What does Mr Miyagi do to relax?
Whacks off.
LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
When I started servicing copiers they used toaster ovens for fusers.....I'm old
John was unable to chose between 2 girls.
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again
A psychic in Arizona survived being hit by a car the other day. Says He never saw it coming...
When I started servicing copiers they used toaster ovens for fusers.....I'm old
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