Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4201
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure.

    While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

    To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out,

    “Make the entire ocean into beer!”

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

    One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:

    “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4202
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

    Little Sheila says:

    "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

    Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks:

    "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"

    "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.

    Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says:

    "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #4203
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Walkingcan add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years oldto spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 permonth.



    Mygrandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
    Nowhe's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

  4. #4204
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Ilike long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoyme.


    Theonly reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavybreathing again

    Ihave to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out whatI'm doing...
    ------------------------------------------

    Everytime I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out withchocolate.
    Ido have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach coversthem.
    --------------------------------------------
    Theadvantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll lookat you there in the coffin and say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

  5. #4205
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Ifyou are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a smallcountry.
    ------------------------------------------
    Iknow I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just gettingover the hill.
    Weall get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot moreinformation in our heads.That'smy story and I'm sticking to it.
    AND
    Everytime I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pubwith a Happy Hour
    and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

  6. #4206
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  7. #4207
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    Joke of the Day


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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by copier addict View Post
    A billionaire, a factory worker and an immigrant are in a room with a thousand cookies on a table. The billionaire takes 999 cookies and whispers in the factory workers ear "look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie".
    By immigrant do you mean a person who migrated here and became a citizen or do you mean a Illegal Alien?

  8. #4208
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    Joke of the Day


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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man goes to the doctor's surgery.
    When he is ushered in, he tells the doctor, "Doctor! I have a real problem with gas. I let rip with these enormous farts. They are completely silent and odourless. While I have been sitting here, I have farted three times, and you didn't even know it!"

    The doctor considers this for a moment, writes a prescription and he tells him to take these pills for a week and return.

    A week later, the man returns and is really angry.

    "Doctor! Those pills you prescribed have been useless! The farts are still odourless but now they make a terrible noise!"

    The doctor replied, "OK, we have cured your hearing problem. Now let's work on your sense of smell."

  9. #4209
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
    No whe's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
    was his name Forest... Forest Gump?

  10. #4210
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Hansen88 View Post
    By immigrant do you mean a person who migrated here and became a citizen or do you mean a Illegal Alien?
    whoa! you racist - homophobic - Zionist - misogynist - gender entitled oh wait those are the names they call me when I make those statements

    those are not I.A's.... they are undocumented future democrat voters... !

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