Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4431
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
    She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced







    This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.







    Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.







    To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.







    Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.







    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.







    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?









    Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

  2. #4432
    FSS / SPM 100+ Posts Setright's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.

    And I’m thinking, “Who the f*ck’s going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?”

    Very funny - and I DO get it :-)

    However, in Sweden (and here in Denmark) it's lights on 24 hours a day! (EU regs mean other countries here require lights on, on the front of the vehicle, with at least 70% light output compared to regular light.)

    Sweden was first, and we copied them soon after (30 years ago!) because the statistics indicate that 10-15% of accidents can be avoided. It's easy to see why: Cars with lights on catch your eye much more readily.

  3. #4433
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    We still have idiots that drive without headlight during rain..and at night...Something about newer cars keeps the interior light on so you don't realize your outer lights aren't on..And is it just me, or isnt turning your own headlight on-off quickly a well known symbol for "your lights are off dickhead"?

  4. #4434
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by emujo2 View Post
    And is it just me, or isnt turning your own headlight on-off quickly a well known symbol for "your lights are off dickhead"?
    I usually avoid signally other vehicles to turn their lights on. Gang bangers have been known to deliberately drive with their lights off and then shoot at any vehicle that signals them to turn their lights on.

  5. #4435
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    You know I have also heard this..I always considered it an urban myth though...E

  6. #4436
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    I usually avoid signally other vehicles to turn their lights on. Gang bangers have been known to deliberately drive with their lights off and then shoot at any vehicle that signals them to turn their lights on.

    I've been pulled over before for Flashing my lights at a Police Officer who didn't have his lights on at night. Told me it's "illegal to do that, you could have caused an accident." and "it's illegal to do that because officers know it's the universal sign to warn other drivers there's a cop up the road."

    I was in disbelief!! "Excuse me officer, but YOU. HAD. YOUR. HEADLIGHTS. OFF. IN. THE. DARK!! YOU could have caused an accident."

    Never gave him my license or anything, and after my statement, he told me to have a good night. HAHA!

    Called HIM in, but don't know if they ever really "did anything about it".

  7. #4437
    Geek Extraordinaire 2,500+ Posts KenB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    I usually avoid signally other vehicles to turn their lights on. Gang bangers have been known to deliberately drive with their lights off and then shoot at any vehicle that signals them to turn their lights on.
    Quite sad, but true.
    “I think you should treat good friends like a fine wine. That’s why I keep mine locked up in the basement.” - Tim Hawkins

  8. #4438
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An early Australian settler was trekking through the outback, all on his lonesome, with his herd of sheep. From a distance, two indigenous Aborigines were watching him and his sheep, (curious). After a few days, on a romantically moonlit night, the sheep herder was starting to feel lonely, and started to get a bit "personal" with one of his sheep.
    Still watching from a safe distance, one of the Aborigines turned to the other and said:
    "I wonder what their kids look like?".

  9. #4439
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I asked what LGBTQ meant, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

  10. #4440
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana whensuddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly How many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


    Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color,150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”


    “Now give me back my dog.”

    AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS



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