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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4451
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post
    Sorry, this is a repeat from 2010 ( but is still funny);

    - TEXTING FOR SENIORS

    Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC
    (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.
    .
    think U will get a chuckle......



    ATD: At The Doctor's
    BFF: Best Friend Farted
    BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
    BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
    CBM: Covered By Medicare



    CGU: Can't get up
    CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
    DWI: Driving While Incontinent
    FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
    FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

    GHA: Got Heartburn Again
    IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
    LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
    OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
    WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
    You forgot FWIWG: Forgot Where I Was Going


  2. #4452
    Technician PJB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Today, my boss wished me a great day...
    So, I Went home.

  3. #4453
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the barís patrons in exchange for a drink.
    The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligators mouth and starts whacking it with the stick.
    After heís done and gets his drink he asks if anyone else would like a go.
    A lady gets up and says yes she would like a go, asks that he doesnít hit her with the stick.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4454
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  5. #4455
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Adam Schiff walks into a bar carrying a duck under his arm, and the bartender says, 'hey, you can't bring your cockroach in here.' And Schiff says, 'this is not a cockroach, it's a duck, you moron', and the bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck.'

  6. #4456
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A parvenu says to an architect:
    - "I want you to build three swimming pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one without any water."
    - "Why would the third one not have any water?"
    - "Cuz some of my friends can't swim."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4457
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
    travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
    The three atonished men try to solve the problem:

    - Physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque.

    It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of
    the main axis.

    - Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been
    burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo
    of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.

    - Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute,
    and then get in and try again?
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4458
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
    watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
    of the street.

    First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
    After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

    The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
    The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
    The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be
    empty again."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #4459
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were.
    The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog
    was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square,
    a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

    The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was
    told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into
    piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem.

    The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to
    get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog
    did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their
    dog's were equally smart.

    Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do?
    The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said,
    "Show the fellows what you can do".

    Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
    paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while
    doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in
    for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4460
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the
    dairy industry.

    So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant
    DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team
    of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested
    rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there
    was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years
    later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk
    production improvement of 2% over the original.

    They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around.
    They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical
    equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they
    were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they
    got a 5% improvement in milk output.

    The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were
    subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.

    Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The
    foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the
    problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they
    could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem.
    In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper
    with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.

    The plans began:

    "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:

    Consider a spherical cow......"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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