Page 449 of 449 FirstFirst ... 349399439440441442443444445446447448449
Results 4,481 to 4,489 of 4489

Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4481
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,412
    Rep Power
    62

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Translated:

    Two friends are talking:
    - Whats new with you?
    - I become vegan.
    - Why?!?
    - I wished something modern but becoming gay scared me...
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4482
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Raleigh NC
    Posts
    6,232
    Rep Power
    119

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A young couple are sitting eating dinner watching the news about the USA Bombing Iranian leaders.

    The Wife turns to the husband and says " Joe, I wonder if they have Walmart's in Iraq and Iran "?

    " Of course not Judy... They only have Targets! " Joe states proudly!

    USAUSAUSAUSA

  3. #4483
    RTFM!! 2,500+ Posts allan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Centurion
    Posts
    3,634
    Rep Power
    72

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:

    You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

    Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

    You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

    **********
    Democrat’s Answer:

    Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?

    Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

    Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

    I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!

    **********
    Republican’s Answer:

    BANG!

    **********
    Southerner’s Answer:

    BANG!
    BANG! BANG!
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    Click…..

    (Sounds of reloading)

    BANG!
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG!
    Click.

    Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”

    Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”

    Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
    Whatever

  4. #4484
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,412
    Rep Power
    62

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by allan View Post
    Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:

    You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

    Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

    You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

    **********
    Democrat’s Answer:

    Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?

    Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

    Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

    I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!

    **********
    Republican’s Answer:

    BANG!

    **********
    Southerner’s Answer:

    BANG!
    BANG! BANG!
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    Click…..

    (Sounds of reloading)

    BANG!
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG!
    Click.

    Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”

    Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”

    Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
    Sooo predictable...yet I laughed at this one. Thanks allan.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4485
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,412
    Rep Power
    62

    Re: Joke of the Day

    One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,

    "Dad!,Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

    After dinner, George's dad took him aside,

    "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years.
    She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
    Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

    George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,

    "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

    Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

    "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
    George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

    "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.
    "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

    "Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4486
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,412
    Rep Power
    62

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,

    "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

    Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,

    "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

    Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says

    "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park.....", then the electricity goes out.

    Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

    Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4487
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,412
    Rep Power
    62

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

    "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
    By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

    "So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

    "The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4488
    Senior Tech 250+ Posts
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Posts
    444
    Rep Power
    20

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,

    "Dad!,Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

    After dinner, George's dad took him aside,

    "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years.
    She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
    Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

    George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,

    "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

    Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

    "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
    George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

    "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.
    "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

    "Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
    Good joke, but better in song...YouTube

  9. #4489
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Bakersfield, CA
    Posts
    10,187
    Rep Power
    229

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Saint Pelosi
    Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic Cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending Sunday's Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling her a saint.


    The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over most of Pelosi's views."


    Pelosi's aide said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."


    The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."


    As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.


    The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a drunken thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for evading her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. Just look at the streets in her district! Feces everywhere. The woman is simply not to be trusted."


    The Cardinal concluded. “But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Get the Android App
click or scan for the Copytechnet Mobile App

-= -= -= -= -=


IDrive Remote Backup

Lunarpages Internet Solutions

Advertise on Copytechnet

Your Link Here