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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4491
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Billionaire is dying and wants to try and see if he can take some money with him to the great beyond. He gathers his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer and gives them each a billion dollars to "slip into his casket" after the service. After his passing, they each made their visit to the casket before it was closed and he was buried. Several months later, they were all gathered and began discussing the plan. The priest was first to confess. You know, I knew that money would do him no good in the afterlife so I donated half to the church and only put half in his casket...The doctor said, I am glad you said that because I too thought it was to be going to waste and I donated half to research the cancer that took his life so I am guilty also of only sending half with him... The attorney looked at them shaking his head in disgust and said I am disappointed in both of you! I want you to know that when they closed that casket, I had put my personal check for the entire amount with him!

  2. #4492
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Coptech View Post
    A Billionaire is dying and wants to try and see if he can take some money with him to the great beyond. He gathers his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer and gives them each a billion dollars to "slip into his casket" after the service. After his passing, they each made their visit to the casket before it was closed and he was buried. Several months later, they were all gathered and began discussing the plan. The priest was first to confess. You know, I knew that money would do him no good in the afterlife so I donated half to the church and only put half in his casket...The doctor said, I am glad you said that because I too thought it was to be going to waste and I donated half to research the cancer that took his life so I am guilty also of only sending half with him... The attorney looked at them shaking his head in disgust and said I am disappointed in both of you! I want you to know that when they closed that casket, I had put my personal check for the entire amount with him!
    And another personal check to cover the money that you two put in and I took back out.

  3. #4493
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..

    "What's your name?", asked the teacher.

    "Mohammad," he replied.

    "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick."

    Mohammad returned home after school.
    "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

    "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick."

    "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
    And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

    The next day Mohammad returned to school.
    The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.

    "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked.

    "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4494
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

    His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4495
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

    The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

    The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

    The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

    The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4496
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady,
    you are really ugly. " Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she
    saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, " Hey lady, you are really ugly ." Well , she was
    incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
    ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
    The store manager said , " That's not good ." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past
    the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  7. #4497
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

    And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4498
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

    And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    Finally a joke to get away from the political debate/argument/mud-slinging.

  9. #4499
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by davel View Post
    Finally a joke to get away from the political debate/argument/mud-slinging.
    But it is a couple of years old. First appeared while Paul was still with us.

  10. #4500
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    Re: Joke of the Day


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