Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4561
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mga View Post
    Two elephants full of a cliff

    Bom Bom

    Sorry not very good with jokes but I'll try
    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    Go ahead

    Bom Bom
    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    I remember when I was in Vietnam the local girls would ask "GI want Bom bom"
    Just quote the whole sequence but replying on the last post.
    NOW that is really clever slim
    Bom Bom
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4562
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past.
    The lizard looks up and says, "Hey, What are you doing?"
    The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come on up and join me!"
    So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke another joint.
    After a while the lizard says his mouth is very dry, and that he's going to go get a drink from the River.
    At the riverbank the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the water.
    A crocodile sees this, swims over to the stoned lizard, and helps him to the bank.
    He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with a monkey and his mouth got dry, and since he was so wasted, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
    The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
    The crocodile walked into the jungle, and found the tree that the monkey was sitting in....finishing a joint.
    The croc looks up and says "HEY, MONKEY!"
    The monkey looks down and says, "OH MY GOD!! DUUUUUUUUUDE.....HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
    Omertà

  3. #4563
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    Just quote the whole sequence but replying on the last post.
    NOW that is really clever slim
    Bom Bom
    ...... am I reading this right?
    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
    [Exchange manual acquisitions, PM's CTN members only. ]
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  4. #4564
    RTFM!! 2,500+ Posts allan's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two bananas are parking down next to the river tanning in the sun when a turd swims past.
    Turd calls to them, "hey come and swim the water is perfect".
    The one banana looks at the other banana and asks him, "really can you believe this shit?".
    Whatever

  5. #4565
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Dear Granddaughter,
    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed!
    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked your cousin Jimmy in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. Jimmy burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray together or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon,
    Love, Grandma.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4566
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.

    The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said,
    “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
    They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits – these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them – and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc…

    After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually:
    “Good morning, Father – Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
    One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
    “Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4567
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring. To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could spend the rest of his life.
    After many months of searching on every continent, Adam came to a small farm in Switzerland and asked to stay there. The widowed farmer warmly brought Adam home and introduced him to his three daughters. When they entered the room, Adam was astonished by their beauty …
    Each of the three daughters of the farmer was extraordinarily beautiful, and Adam decided that one of them would be his intended wife. In the evening he told the farmer about his plans, and the happy father agreed that Adam would go on a date with each of his daughters to choose the one he liked best.
    After meeting her first daughter, Adam approached her father and said:
    “She is really beautiful, but she has slightly crooked toes, it’s barely noticeable, but she is not for me.”
    The father only shook his head, and the next evening Adam went out to meet his second daughter.
    When they returned, he told her father:
    “She is really beautiful but has a barely noticeable lazy eye, so she is not for me.”
    On the third evening, Adam went out with the third daughter and when he returned he said to the father, “She’s perfect, she’s all I was looking for and I have to marry her right away!”
    The wedding was planned quickly, and a few months later, Adam’s long-awaited firstborn was born. The new father came into the hospital room expecting to see his perfect offspring and was shocked when he saw that his child was hairy, ugly and not at all like him.
    “How can it be???” he said to his father in law, standing next to him, “His mother and I are so beautiful!” “Well,” replied the father in law, “she’s beautiful, but she was a bit pregnant when you met… really, barely noticeable…”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4568
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
    Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

    The first pupil said: “Tylenol?” “Very good! And what is it used for?” “It is used for a headache.”

    The second pupil said: “Nytol.” “Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?” “To help you sleep”, replied the student.

    Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: “Viagra.”
    “And what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
    “It is used for diarrhea.”
    “And who told you this, Johnny?”
    “Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
    take a Viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.'”

    Sister Catherine fainted.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #4569
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding days really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die.
    However, once we are married, that thrill does dip – let’s be honest about it! The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear!

    Husband: At last! I can hardly wait!
    Wife: Do you want me to leave?
    Husband: No! Don’t even think that.
    Wife: Do you love me?
    Husband: Of course! Always have and always will!
    Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
    Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
    Wife: Will you kiss me?
    Husband: Every chance I get!
    Wife: Will you hit me?
    Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
    Wife: Can I trust you?
    Husband: Yes.
    Wife: Oh my Darling!

    This was BEFORE the wedding.
    To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read again from end (bottom) to start (top).
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4570
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue…
    Doctor: “What happened?”
    Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do,... Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”
    Doctor: “I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of green tea and start swirling it in your mouth. Don’t drink it, just swirl it around and around”

    2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
    Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk,...
    I gargled repeatedly with green tea and he never touched me.”
    Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea !!!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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