Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4611
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    Post in joke of the day......

    I went to a hardware store the other day to buy a can of paint and some galvanized screws. I'm standing in line waiting to get served. I'm confirming to social distancing rules, as there is a large "X" painted on the floor every 1.5 metres along each counter lane. I finally progress to the first "X" at the service counter. I look up to the young bloke serving at the counter and said " Standing on this large "X" makes me feel like Wyle Coyote out of the Road Runner show" I'm looking upward, dodging side-to-side and saying " I'm expecting an Acme bomb to drop out of the sky...

    The hardware store erupt with laughter....

    No kidding....
    Ha-ha good story
    966438-acme_corporation.png
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4612
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    Joke of the Day

    Desert Rat's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Toilet paper shortage


    This cowboy is riding through the desert and he had to take a dump really bad.

    Finally he stopped and took care of business under a thorny tree. Not having any paper he sat there

    for a short time pondering his problem, when he spotted an Indian. He called out to the Indian

    and asked him, "Hey what do you guys use out here, I don't have any toilet paper?"

    The Indian replied, "Use a flat rock." The cowboy asked, "That works pretty good?".

    the Indian said, "Yes, spread thin, dry fast."


    Better than cactus right?

    Be prepared.

  3. #4613
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Desert Rat View Post
    Toilet paper shortage


    This cowboy is riding through the desert and he had to take a dump really bad.

    Finally he stopped and took care of business under a thorny tree. Not having any paper he sat there

    for a short time pondering his problem, when he spotted an Indian. He called out to the Indian

    and asked him, "Hey what do you guys use out here, I don't have any toilet paper?"

    The Indian replied, "Use a flat rock." The cowboy asked, "That works pretty good?".

    the Indian said, "Yes, spread thin, dry fast."


    Better than cactus right?

    Be prepared.
    Holy cr*p good joke...and true
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4614
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man goes to the doctor with some pain.
    The Doctor asks the man how bad his pain is on a scale of 1 to 10.
    The man Replies, "Pi (π)".
    The Doctor, looking confused, asks, "Pi?"
    The man says, "Yeah, low level, but never ending."
    Omertà

  5. #4615
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
    The man said,'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”
    The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said,'We'll take it.'
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’
    ''I know,'said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.”

  6. #4616
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
    After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”
    Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
    “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
    A passenger in business class yelled back,
    “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4617
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
    The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said,
    “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
    “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spat in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said,
    “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
    Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
    “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
    “This fighting between our services?
    This hatred?
    This animosity?
    This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4618
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This one is so actual...even more for copier techs

    Young Johnny was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer’s store in Kampala.
    While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied,
    “Out of stock.”
    At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement. It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Johnny aside and told him,
    “When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you should apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on…”
    Johnny agreed…
    Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Johnny politely replied,
    “I am sorry ma’am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #4619
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Kathryn’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling, once she learned to spell STOP.
    After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d yell,
    “Mom, what does fgrpl spell?”
    “Nothing,” Kathryn said.
    Sitting at breakfast, she’d suddenly ask,
    “Mom, what does doeb spell?”
    “Nothing,” Kathryn answered.
    This went on for several weeks. Then, one afternoon, as they sat coloring in her room, she asked,
    “Mom, what does lmdz spell?”
    Kathryn smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”
    The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed, and said,
    “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4620
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An Arab family residing in Europe was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
    “How do you like it here?” asked the grandson.
    “It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful.” said grandpa.
    “We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone.”
    “Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah said with a big smile. “There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
    There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
    There’s a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
    And Me – I haven’t had s*x for 35 years, and they still call me The F**king Arab.”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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