Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4641
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Old Pilot:

    A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
    whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
    Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
    a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, but when they retired the
    Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
    learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

    The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
    had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
    was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

    The seedy Lt Col staggered his way over to the piano while
    several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
    music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
    soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he
    finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

    The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
    name of the song he had just played.

    It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
    For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
    it empty, "I wrote it myself."

    The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
    player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
    that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
    pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
    told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

    He then excused himself and lurched to the john.

    When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly
    boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
    hanging out?"

    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".











    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  2. #4642
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down

    and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    _________________________________________
    (My Favorite)
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________
    (Another favorite)
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death…
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________


    And last:
    (Well OK, this is the best)
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No…
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  3. #4643
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    Re: Joke of the Day





    I don’t make them up………….I just pass them on…………



    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid…but he says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then, it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity…and I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    I didn't like my beard at first.... but then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Velcro — what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    Please be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.



    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  4. #4644
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Why do Riot Police get up early?
    To beat the crowd!
    Omertà

  5. #4645
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his
    speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and
    finally pulls over.

    The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over,
    so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

    The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a
    week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  6. #4646
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by bob marley View Post
    A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his
    speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and
    finally pulls over.

    The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over,
    so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

    The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a
    week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back
    Too old..still good
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4647
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day



    EMPLOYEE NOTICE

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
    economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
    50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus
    creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

    This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early ).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
    for the SHAFT program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
    SCREW program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ).

    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
    Congress deems appropriate..

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS ( Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouse ) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired personnel
    Early Severance ).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
    SCREWED any further by Congress.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
    ( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always
    prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT , please bring
    this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to
    give you all the SHIT you can handle.

    Sincerely,

    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E.V.I.L. )

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  8. #4648
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I ran across this excerpt in an operators manual over the weekend and wanted to share this information . It reminded me of the quote " I can explain it to you , but , I cannot understand it for you " .

    The warnings , precautions , and instructions discussed in this manual cannot cover all possible conditions that may occur. The operator must understand that common sense and caution are factors that cannot be built into this product , but must be supplied by the operator .
    "The Serenity Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .

  9. #4649
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by HenryT2 View Post
    I ran across this excerpt in an operators manual over the weekend and wanted to share this information . It reminded me of the quote " I can explain it to you , but , I cannot understand it for you " .

    The warnings , precautions , and instructions discussed in this manual cannot cover all possible conditions that may occur. The operator must understand that common sense and caution are factors that cannot be built into this product , but must be supplied by the operator .
    Reading OM alone must deserves big likes but I laughed a lot also. Thanks Henry.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4650
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Three priests and three little boys are out in a boat when all of a sudden it starts to sink.

    The first priest says, "The boat's starting to sink, we've got to save the boys!"

    The second priest says, "F**k the boys!"

    And the third priest says,"Do ya think we have time?
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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