Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4661
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
    'Hello.'
    'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
    'Speaking.'
    'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
    'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
    'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
    'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
    'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
    'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
    'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4662
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    SLIDING DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE


    As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2021 — Remember:


    1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More than Lay People'


    2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


    3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


    4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.


    5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


    6. I hate sex in the movies, tried it once: The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


    7. It used to be only death and taxes, now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


    8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.


    9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


    10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.


    Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ... and those that mind ...don't matter!


    And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  3. #4663
    Major Asshole! 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Wanted to install a calendar app on my phone, but installed a colander app instead.

    Now my battery keeps draining...
    ' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
    Mascan42

    'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'

    Ibid

  4. #4664
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Not To Be Taken Lightly.
    Now, as if everything else wasn't bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for us?
    Beer contains, female hormones! Yes, that is right, FEMALE hormones!
    Last month, Montreal University scientists released, the results of a recent analysis,
    that revealed the presence, of female hormones in beer. The theory is, that beer contains,
    female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
    into women.
    To test the theory, 100 men each, drank 8 large drafts, of beer within a one (1) hour
    period. It was then observed, that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
    1) Argued - over nothing.
    2) Refused - to apologize, when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained - weight.
    4) Talked - excessively, without making sense.
    5) Became - overly emotional.
    6) Could not - drive.
    7) Failed - to think rationally, and . . . . . . .
    8) Had - to sit down while urinating.
    No further testing, was considered necessary!

  5. #4665
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
    An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
    Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

  6. #4666
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
    The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
    Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
    Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
    The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
    Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
    The pharmacist says, "Well then, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

  7. #4667
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Seattle Seahawks. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
    KABOOM!
    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
    KA-BLOOEY!
    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
    BULLS-EYE!
    "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
    So, he brings him to the States, teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
    The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
    "I don't want to talk to you”, says the old Muslim woman. "You are not my son!"
    "I don't think you understand, Mother", the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of adoring fans."
    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Seattle!

  8. #4668
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Scotch with two drops of water
    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 90th birthday and it's today....'
    The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
    The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming up,' says the bartender
    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
    The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

  9. #4669
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it--don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain---.good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q
    : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-RO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    AND--..
    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


    CONCLUSION:
    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking American is apparently what kills you.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4670
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The maid asked for a pay increase.
    The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

    She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
    Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

    Wife
    : 'Who said you iron better than me?'
    Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

    Wife
    : 'Oh.'
    Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

    Wife
    : 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
    Maria: 'Your husband did.'

    Wife
    : 'Oh.'
    Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

    Wife
    : (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
    Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

    Wife
    : 'So how much do you want?'
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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