Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4671
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    The maid asked for a pay increase.
    The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

    She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
    Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

    Wife
    : 'Who said you iron better than me?'
    Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

    Wife
    : 'Oh.'
    Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

    Wife
    : 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
    Maria: 'Your husband did.'

    Wife
    : 'Oh.'
    Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

    Wife
    : (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
    Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

    Wife
    : 'So how much do you want?'
    Whoops so the gardener did IT! Joke of the DayJoke of the Dayat least it wasn't the butler!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

  2. #4672
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
    11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...
    14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #4673
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Six Lessons of Life

    Lesson 1: Naked Wife

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,
    “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
    “Who was that?”
    “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
    “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    "Lesson 2"

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”
    “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
    “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
    “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
    Moral of the story:

    Always let your boss have the first say.

    "Lesson 3"

    A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand.
    But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
    The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
    Moral of the story:

    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

    "Lesson 4"

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
    A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
    The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
    ...A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:

    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

    "Lesson 5: Power of Charisma"

    A turkey was chatting with a bull
    “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
    “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:

    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    Moral of the story:

    1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
    2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
    3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut !
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4674
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    Six Lessons of Life

    Lesson 1: Naked Wife

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,
    “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
    “Who was that?”
    “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
    “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    "Lesson 2"

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”
    “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
    “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
    “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
    Moral of the story:

    Always let your boss have the first say.

    "Lesson 3"

    A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand.
    But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
    The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
    Moral of the story:

    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

    "Lesson 4"

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
    A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
    The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
    ...A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:

    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

    "Lesson 5: Power of Charisma"

    A turkey was chatting with a bull
    “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
    “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:

    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    Moral of the story:

    1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
    2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
    3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut !
    Hilarious thanks Brother!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

  5. #4675
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by
    people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour
    of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking
    you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer,
    "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next
    day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in
    his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  6. #4676
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV. A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
    During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
    a little boy raised his hand........
    The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

  7. #4677
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    There is a Big difference between a guy and girl saying,
    "I went through an entire box of Tissues during that movie."
    Omertà

  8. #4678
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A very inspiring story I stole from a friend…
    Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
    He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
    One morning the shoeshine asks the CEO
    - What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
    The CEO asks in turn arrogantly:
    - Why are you so interested in that - that topic?
    “I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital markets.”
    - Really? What's your name? –Asks the CEO
    - John Smith H.
    The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service Department:
    - Do we have a client named John Smith H.?
    - Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
    The CEO comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
    - Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
    At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:
    - We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
    Mr. Smith began his story:
    - I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny.
    The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.
    Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.
    I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
    When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.
    I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.
    I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
    After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny.
    A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
    Finally,
    three months ago,
    my sister,
    who was a whore in Chicago,
    passed away
    and left me a million dollars.

  9. #4679
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A BEDTIME STORY
    A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
    The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye
    Grandma."
    The next day the grandmother died.
    "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
    "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
    He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

  10. #4680
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Mosquito repellent: SALT, WHITE TEQUILA, STICK, ROCK

    The mosquito thinks that the salt is sugar.
    When he eats the salt he gets thirsty.
    Thinking the White Tequila is water, He drinks it and gets drunk.
    He starts to walk away, but trips over the stick, and hits his head on the rock, and dies from Covid-19.
    Omertà

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