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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4671
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    The maid asked for a pay increase.
    The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

    She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
    Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

    Wife
    : 'Who said you iron better than me?'
    Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

    Wife
    : 'Oh.'
    Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

    Wife
    : 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
    Maria: 'Your husband did.'

    Wife
    : 'Oh.'
    Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

    Wife
    : (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
    Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

    Wife
    : 'So how much do you want?'
    Whoops so the gardener did IT! Joke of the DayJoke of the Dayat least it wasn't the butler!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

  2. #4672
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
    11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...
    14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #4673
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Six Lessons of Life

    Lesson 1: Naked Wife

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,
    “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
    “Who was that?”
    “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
    “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    "Lesson 2"

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”
    “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
    “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
    “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
    Moral of the story:

    Always let your boss have the first say.

    "Lesson 3"

    A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand.
    But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
    The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
    Moral of the story:

    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

    "Lesson 4"

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
    A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
    The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
    ...A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:

    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

    "Lesson 5: Power of Charisma"

    A turkey was chatting with a bull
    “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
    “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:

    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    Moral of the story:

    1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
    2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
    3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut !
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4674
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    Six Lessons of Life

    Lesson 1: Naked Wife

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,
    “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
    “Who was that?”
    “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
    “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    "Lesson 2"

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”
    “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
    “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
    “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
    Moral of the story:

    Always let your boss have the first say.

    "Lesson 3"

    A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand.
    But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
    The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
    Moral of the story:

    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

    "Lesson 4"

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
    A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
    The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
    ...A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:

    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

    "Lesson 5: Power of Charisma"

    A turkey was chatting with a bull
    “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
    “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:

    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    Moral of the story:

    1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
    2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
    3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut !
    Hilarious thanks Brother!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

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