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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4681
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man comes home late at night totally drunk. His wife was waiting for him and confronts him on his drinking. Her rant impresses him and he promises to change:
    "I want to become a new man!"


    The next day he comes home drunk again. As his wife asks about his plan to become a new man he says:
    "How could I know the other one also drinks?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4682
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A mother-in-law stopped by unannounced at a recently the married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my 'love dress'," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Jeff loves it when I wear this "dress"! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

    On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the "love dress". When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she replied.

    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #4683
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for £2.
    The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
    The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty quid for the cat."
    And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
    The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty quid I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
    And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4684
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa one day and they’re not getting many bites.

    Grandpa pulls out his pack of Brown Mule chewing tobacco and puts a big dollop in his mouth and immediately catches a nice fish.

    His grandson asks, “Hey Grandpa, can I get some of that chew?”

    Grandpa replies, “Well that depends boy. Can you take the head of your dick and touch your a$$hole with it?”

    “No Grandpa, I can’t”, replies the boy.

    “Well that’s too bad”, Grandpa informs him and keeps on fishing.

    After a bit the fish get cold again and Grandpa pulls out a cold Budweiser, pops the top, takes a big gulp, and immediately catches another big fish.

    Grandson pipes up again, “Hey Grandpa, can I get one of those Budweisers?”

    Grandpa again asks his grandson, “Well that depends. Can you take the head of your dick and touch your a$$hole with it?”

    Sadly, the boy replies, “No Grandpa, I can’t.”

    “Well that’s too bad”, states Grandpa as he keeps on fishing.

    After another half hour or so the fish go cold again so the little boy pulls out a cookie from the bag his Grandma gave him.

    After eating the cookie, he immediately catches a huge fish and reels it in excitedly.

    His Grandpa asks him, “Hey boy, can I get one of those cookies?”

    The boy replies, “Well that depends Grandpa. Can you take the head of your dick and touch your a$$hole with it?”

    “I sure can”, Grandpa proudly exclaims!

    “Well good”, says the boy, “Cuz you can go fugg yourself! Grandma made these cookies special for me!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4685
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have some bad news…"

    "I've had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first," replies the tycoon.

    The lawyer says, "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million."

    The tycoon replies enthusiastically, "Well done…my wife is so smart! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?"

    The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4686
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

    “No” said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her, and smiled approvingly.

    She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

    “No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and smiled.

    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No way!" he said, even more curious to what would happen next.


    She replied: "Go look in the garage."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4687
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two Hurricanes.
    The Bartender says, "That'll be $20.20".
    Omertà

  8. #4688
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    stole this from SlimSlob:

    Time for a good laugh!

    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

    DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

    JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

    AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??

  9. #4689
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    BillyCarpenter's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil B. View Post
    stole this from SlimSlob:

    Time for a good laugh!

    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

    DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

    JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

    AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??
    That's some funny fucking shit. LMAO.

  10. #4690
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil B. View Post
    stole this from SlimSlob:

    Time for a good laugh!

    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

    DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

    JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

    AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??
    And stole it from a friend on Facebook.

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