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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4691
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    And stole it from a friend on Facebook.
    Sorry brother I should have mentioned I wasn't the only thief...any who Great joke!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

  2. #4692
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

    It read:

    Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

    At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

    In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

    Regards, Richard

    I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

    I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

    Just then, I looked at my phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

    Second text message:

    Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
    Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

    Regards, Richard
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #4693
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that help get an erection. You should have seen the look in her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

    I'm still looking for a place to live.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4694
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I had a busy morning and decided to grab a quick bite...

    I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

    “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

    The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

    When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

    Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

    Don't honk your horn at old people.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4695
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4696
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

    "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

    "We use it for sex," she said.

    The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

    The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4697
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

    The man agrees and starts work immediately. He reports back after his first week and he's sold 250 units. The manager is impressed but thinks "maybe it's just beginner's luck". But the following week the new guy has sold an additional 400 units and had quickly become the company's top producer.

    The manager decided to follow him to see if he could learn anything from the guy's sales technique. He followed him to a busy farmer's market where he watched the guy set up a booth. The first customer stopped by and the guy said "Hi there. I'm testing out some new kinds of chip dip and I'm wondering if you'd like a sample?" The customer agreed, took a chip, dipped it, and took a bite. "OMG THIS TASTES LIKE S.H.I.T!"

    "It is," said the guy. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4698
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.

    The wife was a romantic type and a retired English Classics teacher.

    The husband a retired Navy Chief was more of a no-nonsense guy.

    One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

    "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

    The husband texted back to her: "On the toilet. Please advise."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #4699
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    FrohnB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike,
    she gave me the finger as she rode by.
    Then she plowed her bike straight into a cow.
    I tried.


    printers-down.jpg
    Omertà

  10. #4700
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day





    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
    The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”
    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.“
    Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed.“ "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed.“
    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." “Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine."It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

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