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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4701
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day




    Subject: Old dog

    An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror come over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

    Meanwhile a squirrel whom had been watching the whole scene from a nearly tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the bean and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to than conniving canine!”

    Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…..”Where’s that squirrel” I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

    Moral of this story…..

    Don’t mess with the old dogs…Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.



    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  2. #4702
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    Re: Joke of the Day



    Subject: ​Golf Nut


    Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and
    breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as

    you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."



    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  3. #4703
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    Re: Joke of the Day



    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

    8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

    9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

    15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

    16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to
    get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  4. #4704
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:
    TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
    YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE

    SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.


    ~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!


    ~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!


    ~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!


    ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.


    ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.


    ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".


    ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..


    ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???


    ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.


    ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!


    ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.


    ~Everybody whispers.

    ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.


    ~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


    Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"


    It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  5. #4705
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing.

    Doc: Everything looks ok but I still want to run tests so I need a urine, a feces and a sperm sample.

    Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

    Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  6. #4706
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,”What the hell was that!?” The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but it hurt like hell!”
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  7. #4707
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One sees a tree that is draped with Canadian Bacon. "A bacon tree!" he says. He runs toward the tree. As he is almost to the tree he is gunned down.

    Turns out it was not a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

  8. #4708
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #4709
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Husband: My doctor said I could jack off whenever I feel like it!
    Wife: No Dear, he said you could have a stroke at any time.

    __________________________________________________ ________



    *Terrible Pick Up line*
    Damn Girl! Are you a Piñata?
    Because I'm going to need a blindfold before I hit that!


    __________________________________________________ ________



    A man walks into a bar.
    And with that, he loses the International Limbo Championship.
    Omertà

  10. #4710
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A guy walks up to 2 girls at a bar and asks one of the girls: "Do you believe the hand is quicker than the eye?"

    Girl replies: YES

    Guy say: "Well, reach down and jerk me off real quick before your friend sees you."

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