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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4711
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day


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    Re: Joke of the Day


  2. #4712
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit


    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.


    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.


    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.


    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.


    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.


    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.


    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget

  3. #4713
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman had a dental exam with a new dentist. She saw his name on his DDS diploma and thought of tall, dark-haired boy in her high school class whom she had a crush on some 40-odd year ago. She wondered if it might be the same person

    When the dentist came into the exam room, she decided that the balding, gray-haired man with deeply lined face was too old to be her classmate.

    After the exam she asked if he had ever attended Morgan Park High School.

    "Yes. Yes, I did." The dentist replied.

    "What year did you graduate?" she asked.

    "1978. Why do you ask?" he answered.

    "You were in my class!" she exclaimed.

    He looked at her closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit so-of-a-bitch asked her, "What did you teach?"

  4. #4714
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My Poetic Side:


    Roses are Red
    Kamala's not Black
    Joe's in the Basement and
    Hunter's on Crack!
    Omertà

  5. #4715
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
    congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
    passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
    paycheck.

    After six children, this started to get expensive, and the
    congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's
    expanding salary.

    A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
    Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more
    it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
    chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as
    many gifts as He gives us."

    Silence fell on the congregation.

    In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
    and finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN is also a gift from God,
    but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"

    The entire congregation said, "Amen!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4716
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

    What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    ”Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now".

    "Ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

    "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

    "What about that eye patch?"

    "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just
    from some bird crap."

    "Yeah, but It was my first day with the hook."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4717
    Geek Extraordinaire 2,500+ Posts KenB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A blonde and her boyfriend were taking a leisurely stroll down the beach one day.

    The boyfriend said: “Oh, look! A dead bird!”

    The blonde frantically looked up in the sky and exclaimed: “Where? Where?”
    Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the fire hydrant.

  8. #4718
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by KenB View Post
    A blonde and her boyfriend were taking a leisurely stroll down the beach one day.

    The boyfriend said: “Oh, look! A dead bird!”

    The blonde frantically looked up in the sky and exclaimed: “Where? Where?”
    gotta love Blonde jokes

  9. #4719
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

    What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    ”Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now".

    "Ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

    "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

    "What about that eye patch?"

    "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just
    from some bird crap."

    "Yeah, but It was my first day with the hook."

    OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!


  10. #4720
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by KenB View Post
    A blonde and her boyfriend were taking a leisurely stroll down the beach one day.

    The boyfriend said: “Oh, look! A dead bird!”

    The blonde frantically looked up in the sky and exclaimed: “Where? Where?”
    When you think you know almost all jokes for blondes...there it comes another good one
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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