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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4731
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A professor stood with his class with a selection of items in front of him. When the lecture began, he took a very large glass, filled it up with large stones, approx. 5 cm wide. He asked the students: "Is the glass filled up now?" Everyone agreed that it was.

    The Professor took some very small stones, and gently added them into the glass while he shook it very carefully, causing the smaller stones to go in between the larger stones. Then he asked once more: "Is the glass filled up now?" Everyone agreed that it was filled up.

    The professor then placed a bag with sand on the table and the students laughed, of course the professor could add sand between the stones, and he filled it to the top.

    "Now!" said the professor "Please imagine that this glass is your life!"
    The large stones are the meaningful things in your life, family, girlfriend's, etc. kids, your health etc. things that are important so no matter what else they will always be a part of your life. The small stones are stuff not that important , like your job, house, car and the sand is everything else.

    "Please notice! If the glass is full of sand there will be no room for small and large stones. It's the same in life, if you use your time and energy on small stuff there will be no room for important and meaningful stuff.
    Always focus on which things there is important for you, and your life will be great and happy.

    "Fill up your life with large stones that really matters and are important. Check and arrange your large rocks and stones and keep in mind that the rest is only smaller stones and sand."

    The Professor now looks over the students and takes a glass of whisky, and carefully pours all the whisky between the sand, smaller and larger stones / rocks. He lifts his head up and says :

    "And remember ! No matter how many rocks, stones or sand in your glass of life there will always be room for whisky !"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4732
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading
    his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?
    " "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer,
    but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?
    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  3. #4733
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The mother in question thought it was necessary to provide an explanation to her child’s pre-school teacher:

    Dear Ms. Davis,

    I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration.

    It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.

    I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
    This photo is of me selling a shovel.

    Mrs. Harrington
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #4734
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What do retired people do to make their days interesting?


    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a ****-head.
    He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4735
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    English Teacher:

    “In English, a double negative forms a positive.

    “In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

    “However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."


    A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #4736
    Geek Extraordinaire 2,500+ Posts KenB's Avatar
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    Careful what you wish for

    Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the fire hydrant.

  7. #4737
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    She said.... You wear pants don't you?


    He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!



    He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


    He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
    She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

  8. #4738
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Careful what you wish for

    Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the youngster, they swam to the ship.
    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
    This they did. "Well done, son!

    Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing."
    The task was completed.

    "Now we eat everybody." This they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just go in and eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

    His wise father replied, "Much tastier with the sh,t out them!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #4739
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Careful what you wish for

    Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

    I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

    I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I have not been in a long time” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

    We always hold hands. If I let her go she shops.

    She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets and not enough places to sit down!” Problem solved…I bought her an electric chair.

    Remember…statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

    I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 years. I don’t like to interrupt her.

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust”.

    In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Since He created woman, neither God nor man has rested.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4740
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Careful what you wish for

    Couple sat watching telly one night and hubby as usual is flicking through the channels.
    Golf...porn...golf...porn...golf...porn...golf.
    Wife says "for gods sake, will you just leave it on the porn, you already know how to play bloody golf"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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